PATRICK WALSH: Valentine's Day 2004

So we’re up to date with what was going on relationship-wise, but what of my career trajectory? Last you heard, I was selling spa passes. Well, I got on at a temp agency, and I had some pretty awful gigs before landing at Kaplan Test Prep, which prepares students for the SAT, MCAT, LSAT, ETC. Basically, I was routing calls and entering “leads” into the system for the sales team. It was tedious, and Alec Baldwin never showed up to lecture me about "Brass Balls," which was disappointing. But I could listen to music, the people were fairly cool, it paid well, and the hours were noon to 8. This was perfect for me because it meant I could sleep in, and also most of my day was killed off by the time work was over.

From October on, I worked there as a temp, accepting the full time position on my birthday, January 5th, 2004. As I mentioned before, signing those papers was rough, because I had really moved to New York in the hopes of getting accepted into the NBC Page Program, and this just seemed like admitting defeat. I had been in NYC for months, and still hadn’t heard anything. 

Kaplan got me benefits and excellent pay at the very least, and every Friday morning I would call the Guest Relations desk at NBC and flirt my ass off with the girl there for 15 to 20 minutes. I really turned on the charm, trying everything in my power to get my name out of the 10 foot pile of applications and onto the desk of the Big Cheese for consideration in the program. I made sure she knew my name, and hoped that at some point, she’d crack and help a brother out.

The job was wholly unmemorable, and I realized early on that I'd have to create my own excitement and fun. I walked a dangerous line day in and day out, the kind of line a man can only walk when he truly doesn't care about getting fired. I had a real rebellious streak in me that first year in New York, I cared about nothing and nobody. This attitude got me into trouble on several occassions. The first occured leading up to Valentine's Day, 2004.

The office had a bulletin board, which was decorated each month to fit the major holiday. Naturally, the February board was to be Valentine-themed. It was to be covered in construction paper hearts, and each heart would have an employee’s response to the question “What do you love?” It all seemed a bit personal for a stupid bulletin board, and since I am very strongly anti-office, I refused to do one.

There was a very overzealous woman in the office, Carol, who was in charage of the board. Carol came around one morning collecting everyone’s heart, and when she reached me I told her nicely that I wasn’t going to do one.

You would have thought I had squatted on her desk and squeezed out a massive turd.

CAROL: What??!!

ME: Yeah, I’m just not going to do one.

CAROL: Everybody has to do one!

ME: I’m sorry, I just don’t feel like doing it. There’s a hundred people in the office, you’ll have enough.

CAROL: Don’t you have anything that you love?

ME: Sure.

CAROL: Well, just write it down. You love your parents, right?

ME: Yes, but I don’t feel the need to discuss my love on a construction paper heart.

Visibly shaken, she let out a "Harumph!" and walked away, muttering under her breath.

About an hour later, the office manager, Jeff, came over to my desk. He got down on one knee next to my desk and put a hand on my shoulder. Jeff liked to use "quote hands."

JEFF: Hey, Patrick. Carol told me you weren’t planning on doing one of the hearts.

ME: Right.

JEFF: Can I ask why not?

ME: I just don’t want to do one. Is it that big a deal?

JEFF: Well, I suppose in the "grand scheme" of things it isn’t, but we like to encourage an environment where we work as a team. Where everyone participates.

ME: Uh-huh. 

JEFF: Carol came to me concerned, and –

ME: She’s concerned? Concerned that I won’t write what I love on a construction paper heart?

JEFF: "Upset." Maybe "upset" is a better word. Could you just do one, Patrick? For me?  I can’t force you, of course, but it’d make my job a lot easier.

ME: Fine.

He patted me on the back and walked away. Carol, who had watched the whole conversation intently, was immediately at my side.

CAROL: Mark tells me you came around on the bulletin board. Here’s your heart and a marker.

ME: Great.

I thought for a moment. If I was going to suck it up and do this, I wasn't going to totally surrender. A smile spread across my face, and I wrote on the heart:

I LOVE TEDDY BEARS, RAINBOWS, AND HEROIN

Then I walked it over to the bulletin board, posted it, and went back to work.

A couple hours later, a gasp from the board. I turned. Carol. She ripped the heart of the wall and ran in to Jeff's office. Oh boy

JEFF: Hi, Patrick. First off, thanks for doing the heart. Carol really appreciates it and so do I.

ME: No problem.

JEFF: The thing is, Patrick…the content. We can’t have it. I know you want to be in the movies and I “get it,” but it’s simply  not appropriate.

ME: OK, then throw it out.

JEFF: Well, we’ll need you to do another one then, OK?

ME: There’s no way I’m doing another one.

JEFF: Mmmm. Why is that, Patrick?

ME: I didn’t want to do the first one! I did it, and now you're throwing it away! Why would I do another one?

JEFF: Patrick, like I said, I can’t force you but we’d really appreciate it.

ME: Have Carol ask me.

JEFF: I’m sorry?

ME: If Carol asks me to do another one, I’ll do it.

JEFF: I don’t quite understand.

ME: A grown woman whispering around the office about me? I don't appreciate it. If she wants me to do another one, have her ask me to my face. Please. Sir. 

A bit later, Carol came over. Hatred glimmering in her eyes, she asked me to do another heart. I agreed.

I thought about this one long and hard, but then it came to me. It was perfect. Trying my best not to laugh out loud, I took the marker and wrote on the heart, in big letters:

 I LOVE HEART CENSORSHIP

tags: work  story of my life  new york  office  temp  valentine  

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