Tips For Temps

So you've done it. You've gone and you messed up your life. Haven't you? You don't have a job, the bank account is diminished, and the novelty of sleeping in has given way to an incredible feeling of failure and shame when you wake and note the clock radio reads 2PM. What are you going to do?!

Well, assuming unemployment isn't an option, and assuming a job that you'd actually be okay telling people you do each day hasn't presented itself, you better get yourself to a temp agency, and stat. I get restless in jobs very quickly, and have been in this boat several times, the most recent being, um, now. It doesn't have to be the end of the world. Temping can actually be a rather pleasant experience, if you heed what I am about to write.

Maybe you've been lucky. Maybe you did internships in college, aced every job interview and are pulling in 75K a year. Maybe you're happy with what you're doing for a living and can see yourself working there until you're old and gray. Maybe your parents are rich and you've never had to worry about money in your life. Maybe you can go fuck yourself, because this information is for those of us who can't finance a trip to the zoo.

WHAT IS TEMPING?

Being a temp is just what it sounds like, you are temporary help for a company. Often, they need you for a week to finish a project. Sometimes the assignment will last longer than a week. Sometimes they need you indefinitely.

HOW DO I BECOME A TEMP?

There are several agencies in every area. Pick one a friend of yours has used and didn't hate. You'll go in, complete a typing test, (just found out I type 86 words per minute with ZERO errors, pretty much a Nobel-level achievement in the temp world), an Excel test, a Word test, and a basic office knowledge test. If that all goes well, then they always ask you when you sign on to a temp agency what types of jobs you'd like to do. These conversations usually go like this:

TEMP AGENCY: So, what kind of career would you like to have? We can steer you towards those kinds of jobs...

TEMP: Oh, that sounds great! Well, I'm very interested in writing and being creative. I'm also very knowledgable in the fields of music, movies and television. Anything to do with entertainment would be right up my alley.

TEMP AGENCY: Great, how'd you like to xerox bank statements at a jeans manufacturing plant?

WHAT WILL I DO AS A TEMP?

You will do work that the bosses have deemed too stupid, inconsequential, and insulting to give to actual employees. This will include (but is not limited to): stapling, xeroxing, filing, alphabetizing, stamping, mail opening, envelope stuffing, folding, and other tasks that could be performed by cats with learning disabilities.

HOW MUCH MONEY WILL I MAKE?

You must find this out up front. They will ask you at your initial interview what the minium you will accept is, and you should say $12 an hour. You can't keep your sanity doing this shit for any less, and you shouldn't be expected to. Some assignments will pay more. Some will pay less. Most will pay exactly that, $12 an hour. But there is something you should know. Your temp agency receives 40% of your earnings. A lot of people are completely unaware of this, but this is how the agencies make their money. So if you are making $12 an hour, know that your agency is making $20 an hour, giving you $12 and pocketing $8. You know, like a finder's fee. Only no one in their right mind would agree to a finder's fee of 40%, it's fucking ridiculous. This is why they don't tell you this when you sign up.

HOW LONG SHOULD I REMAIN ON A TEMP ASSIGNMENT?

Conditional. If they are paying $13 or more an hour, stay as long as you can. If they are paying less, do not stay more than two weeks. There are hundreds of other assignments available. Many of them will pay better, and if they don't at least you'll get to do the world's most boring crapola in a different environment. If your environment is filled with models in various stages of undress, as my recent assignment was, stay. That should go without saying.

WHAT SHOULD I DO IF THEY OFFER ME A FULL-TIME JOB?

If you do a decent job at any long-term temp assignment, they will offer you full-time status. I just got offered it myself, and I'm terrible. Look, you need money. You're down on your luck right now. But you won't be forever. It may seem like a good idea to take a full-time job with benefits, but something better will come along. Don't start thinking it's a good career move because you've worked there for two weeks and the people are kind of okay. Do what you gotta do, as long as you gotta do it, but always be looking to get the hell out and get something better.

Check your watch and note the exact second you agree to make your temp job your permanent job, because you will be able to pinpoint the precise time your heart dies. Respect yourself. Turn it down. Unless alphabetizing things gets you wet. Then by all means...

WHAT SHOULD I DO ON THE ASSIGNMENT?

This is tricky. Usually there is a major project that needs to be accomplished by you. However, when other workers realize they have a new body in the office who can't turn down work, they will throw everything they don't want to do into your lap. The key is time management. The first few tasks you are given, finish at lightning speed. It's all mindless, none of it takes long. As soon as you do a few things really quickly, they'll start saying things like "You're done already? " and "This guy's a superstar!" and "Whoa, look at Mr. Fast!" They'll say them around the office, they'll say them to supervisors.

Some would see this as risky because you've set a precedent you'll have to equal each day. In actuality, you have created an aura of competence and speed around yourself that can not be broken, even after you start slacking like you've never slacked before. This ALWAYS works. Do three tasks insanely fast. Then let's say the fourth task is to open and stamp a big pile of mail. You could do it in ten minutes, but take two hours. Stretch it out, surf the net, take bathroom breaks. No matter how long you take, when you bring it back to the supervisor completed, he or she is already used to calling you "Mr. Fast" (or something of that nature), and will continue to do so. This is because A) It's easy, as he or she certainly doesn't remember your name, and B) They're doing their own work, they don't have time to notice how quickly you're getting things done. Every once in a while, for fun, do a few things extra quick to keep the mystique up. But by all means, take it easy.

THINGS TO REMEMBER

1) They are expecting you to be an idiot.

Why else would you be a temp, right? Let them think that, it can only work in your favor. They will ask you to do much less and will be much more understanding when work takes you a long time.

However, to those people who are not your superiors, let your personality show. You can't hold a "real job." They have lowered expectations of you. Hit them with an intelligent conversation or well-placed joke, and you've got a new friend.

2) Take it slow.

The quicker you finish your tasks, the quicker they'll give you permission to leave, either for the day or for good. When you are not there, you are not making money. The only reason you are temping is to make money. Take your time. You receive the same pay if you do a fast and exceptional job that you would if you did a medium-paced competent job. They don't care so long as it gets done, and you're not out for a medal or a promotion.

3) No one involved in your temp assignment gives a shit about you.

To the people at your agency you are a soulless robot who they can use to make money. To the people at your assignment, you are a soulless robot who does the shit they don't want to do. Treat them with the same lack of respect. I don't mean be rude to them, but you owe these people absolutely nothing. If you need to leave at 4PM for a job interview, you are leaving. Tell them of course, but never stay at an assignment that will not be flexible with your schedule. The word is TEMP, for God's sake.

4) Do anything you can to make things more fun.

Never accept an assignment where you don't have internet access. It really helps the time fly. Ask if you can listen to your iPod. Even if they don't want you to, it's very unlikely they'll tell you no. I have never been told I couldn't listen to it. Maybe deep down, they'd rather you didn't, but who cares? Ask them to stuff envelopes for eight hours with no music or human interaction. That will break down negotiations real quick. You're not a machine. 

5) Try to get some play out of it.

Office relationships are always risky because you have to see the person every day. When you are a temp, it's like being a sailor with a weekend pass. They know you're only there for a couple weeks, so they'll flirt much more freely. It's kind of hot to be the one who nails the temp, a lot of people will be into it, just feel them out.

Guys, this'll be a little tricky because you don't want to come off as a total sleaze by flirting with everyone. Declare a major. Pick out a couple and really lay it on thick. Before you know it, there's rumors, tiny jealousies, you're dating a couple girls, it's high school all over again. And you're Zack Morris.

Girls, as with every other hookup-related thing in your life, this will be astonishingly easy for you. All guys want to bang the office temp or intern, because she'll be gone soon and it won't get messy. Bat your eyes a couple times, enjoy a free dinner and a movie, and throw him an HJ. There are worse ways to spend a Friday night.

6) Don't stop looking for a job that you WANT.

This is the most important thing to remember. This doesn't just go for temps, this goes for anyone who doesn't love his or her job. It's easy to get complacent. You're making money, why rock the boat? Eff that. Always be looking out for something you WANT to do. The 12 seconds of awkwardness when you tell someone you're leaving will be more than balanced out by the years of happiness when you finally get a job you're excited to go to in the morning.

Oh. You're welcome. 

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