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The Whole Eleven Yards
I see celebrities everywhere I go in Los Angeles, even moreso than in New York. I sat next to Orlando Bloom at Black Snake Moan. I've seen Al Pacino, Adam Sandler, and Tony Hale at Target. I jogged behind Taye Diggs and Idina Menzel at Runyon Canyon. I've seen Michael Rapaport near my neighborhood so many times I'm starting to feel like we're friends.
And yesterday in Santa Monica I walked past Matthew Perry and Kevin Pollak having a conversation. I know people want details on these celebrity sightings, so I'll say...they both looked exactly like themselves. Anyway, I couldn't make out what they were talking about, but I imagine it went a little something like this:
POLLAK: So Matt, what's going on career-wise?
PERRY: I'm on that Studio 60 still.
POLLAK: That hasn't been cancelled? I hate that show.
PERRY: Yeah, me too.
POLLAK: Well, what are you gonna do after?
PERRY: Continue sleeping on huge piles of Friends cash, I guess.
POLLAK: How about we get another Whole Nine Yards sequel going?
PERRY: (laughing) Yeah. Right.
POLLAK: I'm dead serious.
PERRY: I don't think so man, the last one bombed.
POLLAK: Yeah, but...The Whole Eleven Yards! It's just got a better ring to it.
PERRY: Your character died in the first one, we did you a huge favor even putting you in the sequel! Do you know how stupid that looked?
POLLAK: I played his father, it made perfect sense! Maybe this time, I'll play the grandfather! I'll play three generations of this guy!
PERRY: It sounds ridiculous, Kev. Listen, I gotta get going -
POLLAK: I need money! Money, Matt!
PERRY: Oh. Um.
POLLAK: I know you got it! Just send one of those NBC checks my way. Just one!
PERRY: Kevin, I earned that money, man. You're an actor, go act! Don't you have anything in the pipeline?
POLLAK: There's just no market for Shatner impressions anymore. A Comedy Central roast here and there, that's all I got. Things are looking bleak for KP. They're looking real bleak.
PERRY: Can't you voice an owl in a Disney cartoon or something?
POLLAK: I'm not even on that list anymore. Me and Gottfried got edged out of the VO market when Eisner left, and no one's saying why.
PERRY: I'm sorry -
POLLAK: Let's get that Whole Eleven Yards going. You work with Amanda Peet right? Get her to show her tits again, get that young male crowd in.
PERRY: She just had a baby.
POLLAK: Dynamite, bigger tits! Get Willis on the horn. He won't return my calls.
PERRY: I don't talk to him anymore either, Kev.
Perry's cell phone rings. He checks it.
POLLAK: Who's that?
PERRY: Nobody.
POLLAK: That was Bruce, wasn't it? You still see him! You guys haven't asked me to hang out once! Unbelievable! Look, just ask him about TWEY.
PERRY: TWEY?
POLLAK: The Whole Eleven Yards. I call it TWEY.
PERRY: Bruce hates sequels. He told me he's never doing another one.
A bus drives by with an enormous poster for Live Free or Die Hard on the side. An awkward silence.
POLLAK: I need money, Matt.
PERRY: I'm gonna get going. Say hi to the wife for me.
POLLAK: She left me! She left me, Matt. She took the kids.
PERRY: Jesus. When did that happen?
POLLAK: She's screwing Dennis Miller. And I introduced them.
PERRY: Look, here's a hundred bucks.
POLLAK: Would you buy me a Starbucks?
PERRY: Take it out of the hundred.
POLLAK: No, like a franchise. There's good money in that. I can do my Christopher Walken for the customers, get tips.
PERRY: I'll talk to you later, man.
POLLAK: Whole Eleven Yards! Eleven's hot right now! That Clooney movie!
PERRY: Don't call me until you get off the drugs, Kev.
POLLAK: TWEY! TWEY!
Pollak slumps onto the curb, a broken man. He looks up at the Live Free or Die Hard advertisement and shakes his head. The bus pulls away and is replaced by another. This bus has a huge advertisement for Studio 60 on its side. The laughing faces of his former costars Amanda Peet and Matthew Perry mock Pollak. He begins to weep.
A man comes up and throws three quarters into Pollak's lap.
POLLAK: Hey! I'm Kevin Pollak, asshole!
MAN: Who?
POLLAK: Kevin Pollak! And I don't need your money!
The man shrugs and walks off. Pollak looks both ways and slips the quarters into his pocket. He shuffles off down the street doing his William Shatner impression, asking people for change. Matthew Perry drives past him in a Porsche, the radio blasting "I'll Be There For You" by The Rembrandts.
The irony is not lost on Kevin Pollak.
Anyway, like I said, couldn't really hear them, but I'm about 99% sure this is what went on.
Funny as hell, man. This should go on the best-of list.
Listen "moreso" is not a word. If it is it is two. And Kevin Pollack is
great.
I'm a huge Idina Menzel fan. Would you write about that jog in your blog
(sorry, I had to do that). There are fans out in the internet ether that
have worries about their relationship. Did they look like a happy couple?
Any insites? Thanks
Jackson,
Thanks Patrick. You know the more I am on the internet the more it sucks me
in. I love the way we are linked but still in our own little worlds but
still able to connect. I look forward to keeping up with your blog. You are
funny and in the world today we all need more of that. I do wish I could
have been on Runyon Canyon that day. I would have been speed walking, and
would never had the temerity to stop them, but I am one of those goofy
Musical Nuts. It would have been special. have a good day. Bettie
I used to like Pollak, until he was doing press for some awful movie with
Jamie Lee Curtis, and in EVERY interview, he would say, "I like to call her
Jamie Lee FITNESS!" You think that joke is lame once--try listening to it
three times in three different interviews, all trying to come off as
improvised remarks.
Jesus, you're gonna convince him into thinking he's Richard Jenni. Anyone
else ever get them confused? Guess that won't happen anymore, huh?
-M
Hey Walsh!,
Fun fact: (actually, scary fact that kind of makes me feel old) Grumpy Old
Men came out fourteen years ago. A kid who was born the year that movie
came out would be entering high school right now. Jesus, that sucks.