The Biggest Douchebag I've Ever Known

Alright. Take a seat.

We've been having a lot of fun on here lately, and I'll address the Ninja Turtle comments soon. But there's something more pressing at hand. Something awful.

I've got a story to tell you. A true story. A story about one of the worst people the world has ever known.

I hate this guy so much that the temptation is to just write a bunch of stuff about how much I hate him. Call him names, etc. But after some deliberation, I realize there is really no need. I'm just going to tell you what happened. And let you see for yourself.

What could this guy have done that made me so angry? Read on.

For the purpose of this posting, we'll refer to him as "Assbag."

I've been temping. Not a great assignment by any means, no nudity or anything like that. I don't really like it, but it pays. I've been there a week. On my first day, I met my new co-workers. They were, to be honest, a nerdy bunch. But they all seemed pretty pleasant.

I did however notice that one of them looked curiously like one of my best friends from Missouri. And yet...something was off. This model was inferior in every way to my buddy. The guy's a huge tool, he spent most of the first day talking about ninjas. It really made me angry because when I met him I thought "This guy looks kind of like my friend! I bet he'll be awesome like him too!"

He was not.

I soon realized this guy looks like my friend in the same way a delicious Baby Ruth bar looks like a piece of shit. From a distance there's some similarities, but when you get up close one is lovely, tasty, and fun, and the other is... a piece of shit. This guy wears a little 1940's style bowler hat any time he leaves the office. I don't know why. He's got a wide array of tie-dyed Hawaiian Ninja shirts, and he looks ridiculous in all of them. He's big and oily and has a side-spike.  Let's put it this way, consensual sex is not in this guy's past, present or future.

A few hours in and I can see this guy is lame. But big deal. I do my work, I keep to myself, don't say much, don't bother anyone. For the most part, the only thing unrelated to work I'm doing is checking my e-mail periodically. The boss, a really cool hippiesh woman in her 50's, had told me when I started that if I need to check my e-mail or what have you, it was fine. I've got a lot of possible career things up in the air right now. I need to be watching that e-mail. So I keep my gmail inbox minimized and in the bottom of my screen. When I see that I have a new e-mail, I maximize the gmail window, click on the e-mail and read it. I only "maximize" it to a fourth of the screen, so it's not totally obvious. Sorry this is tedious exposition, but it is important.

This guy I work with, Assbag, he's not a manager or a boss, he's just a dude that works in this horrible office, doing accounting type shit. He's around my age. On the first day he hands me some shit to do. I start working on it and I receive an e-mail. I bring up the box, quickly type a response and immediately he's on me.

ASSBAG: Did you finish that project I gave you?

ME: No...you just gave it to me,

ASSBAG: Oh...I just noticed you were e-mailing so...hmm...

Keep in mind, this guy is not even anyone's boss! He just works there! Wow. What a dick, I thought.

I had no idea.

The next day, a similar incident, I work for a few hours, then receive an e-mail. I click to open it and he's on me. He doesn't even sit near me! But he appears behind me, as though he'd been watching over my shoulder.

ASSBAG: How we coming on that project?  (NOTE: This was not even a project he had given me!)

ME: Ummm.... good, man. Almost done.

ASSBAG: Hey, you received the new hire packet didn't you?

ME: Yup.

ASSBAG: Oh, so you do understand our workplace internet usage policy?

ME: Yes.

ASSBAG: Interesting.

He just keeps doing this shit, driving me insane. I should also add that every time I walk past his desk he has an Instant Message window up and is on the Internet, usually MySpace, certainly trolling for underage boys to have sex with, kill, and eat. Not necessarily in that order.

So he's a hypocrite and an asshole. And why is he so interested in what I do all day? Repeating again, he's not a manager, not in any position of authority. He's around my age. I did nothing to antagonize him. What made him go out of his way to make my life miserable? Did a temp kill his father?

I was telling two friends about this guy last night, and I explained what had been happening. They agreed that this guy sounded awful, and I decided to write him a note that I would leave in his mailbox on Friday, my last day at the assignment. I sent my friends the prototype, to see if it seemed too harsh or just right. Here is what my email to my friends said, word for word:

The subject was "Douche At Work"

This letter is going in this guy's mailbox Friday, swear to God. As
long as he doesn't turn it in to the temp agency I'll be fine. And
even if he does, who gives a shit? I've already written it out.
Thoughts?

Hey,

I just wanted to thank you for making my time here so needlessly
unpleasant. Did you think growing up that someday you'd be the kind of
guy who scolds co-workers for e-mailing on the clock? I don't recall
you being introduced as a manager.

By the way, every time I walked past your desk you were on the
Internet or IM. Every time. If it's so important to you that every
second on the clock be devoted to work, you should lead by example.

Thanks again,

Patrick

And I really was going to put this in his mailbox, just to let him know that he made my time there suck and I didn't appreciate it.

I sent this e-mail out to my friends while the rest of the "team" was at a meeting, brought my gmail account back to the home page, minimized the window and went back to work. Everyone returned from the meeting, and I had to go to the bathroom. I was gone for five minutes.

When I returned, my gmail inbox had been not just maximized to its usual one quarter screen, but fully blown up to fit the entire screen. In addition, an e-mail of mine had been opened and was being displayed on the screen. The opened e-mail being displayed for all to see?

"Douche At Work."

My head was spinning. First, I wondered how it had popped up and how many people had seen it. But then I realized that my friend had responded to the e-mail while I was gone. And that someone had actually opened my friend's response! A response I hadn't even clicked on yet! A new message!

A response which read:

I'm more inclined to throw in a few "piece of shits" and "good for
nothing lifeless cunts" in there. But I guess you can't make it too
mean. Just incase he does turn it in to the temp agency.

Or finding out his address and e-mailing just that to him with "I know
where you live, bitch." But I guess that could make this a police
matter.

Can you tell that I've hated a co-worker or two in my day?

I started to look around angrily. I realized that Assbag was holding a piece of paper. He asked a girl to come over and read it. She did. "Wow," she kept saying as she read. "Wow."

Wait wait wait, I thought. Surely this guy didn't OPEN AND PRINT OUT a personal e-mail of mine? I decided that was just too ridiculous to be true, and started back to my work, willing to just chalk this up as a freak computer occurence. And then Assbag and the girl started to leave for lunch. And as Assbag walked past my desk, he raised his voice and said:

"Wait, before I go I want to check my MAILBOX! Make sure nobody put anything IN THERE for me."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was him! In no time he was out the door and at lunch. I walked outside and started calling people for advice. What could I do here? Should I just leave? Make a run for it? Should I call the temp agency to report it? And surely I couldn't be in trouble, right?  I was really upset, hands shaking. Eventually I went back upstairs and immediately my boss called me in to her office.

"I know what this is about." I said. She handed me a printout of the e-mail, "Douche At Work."

Included was not just my e-mail but also my friend's response. She looked me in the eye and said, "Assbag told me this was up for all to see on your computer screen."

I went off the handle. Knowing that I might be fired from the assignment anyway and knowing that Assbag and everyone else in the office could probably hear what was said behind the flimsy door of her office, I made sure that my voice was heard, yelling something along the lines of:

"Well Assbag was fucking lying to you! In fact, I hadn't even opened this e-mail and my inbox was minimized. Assbag not only opened my inbox, but opened a new personal e-mail message. And to be honest, I'm fairly certain that's illegal! It's certainly an invasion of my privacy! This is bullshit!"

She agreed. We had a good long conversation about it. I did a lot of yelling and a lot of cursing. I really just went on and on.

"What did I do to this guy? I'm here to help you guys out! I need money! I've gotten all my work done on time! What is his fucking problem? Who does something like this? I feel so violated! How can you have a fucking employee who opens people's personal e-mail?"

"Well, he did say it was up on your desktop, and -"

That's when I lost it. I mean, seriously, how fucking stupid would I have to be to go take a crap and leave an e-mail with the subject "Douche at Work" up on my desktop? How fucking stupid!?

That got her. She told me she believed me, that it was a violation and she'd talk to him tomorrow, and then she asked me to stay until Friday.

"There's no way in Hell I'm staying," I said. But I also couldn't leave right after our talk because then Assbag would think he got me fired. "I'll work till the end of the day as a favor to you and then I'm out of here." She agreed to that and I walked back to my seat amidst a sea of stares and giggles, like I was in grade school.

My goal was to get a few good, loud one-liners in by day's end. I obviously didn't care about the job anymore. The first quip I came up with was that  I was going to walk to the door, turn to him, and say "Hey, I'm gonna be gone for five minutes if you want to open up any of my mail..."

Quick and efficient. But the pussy put his headphones in. And he kept them in the entire day.

I worked for a few hours and took a little break when my father called. I explained the situation to him. My dad is usually good at these scenarios, as he was once famous for having a violent temper (Thankfully, before my time). Tales of my father's drunken rage are legendary. He once beat the hell out of his manager at a grocery store for no real reason. Threw him into carts, bashed his head into a brick wall and everything, right in front of customers. He once took on an entire softball team, and won, probably unable to feel pain through the hundreds of beers. If all this makes him sound cool, let's remember he also once owned a car with "LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL" painted down the side.

Anyway, I explained to him what had happened and he had this to say:

"Patrick, here's the thing. About 1 out of every 6 people in this world is totally fucking nuts. And every five years or so these people need to have their noses broke. That wakes them up and makes them say, "Oh shit. I'm nuts!" You've got to back him off, and do it now."

It was a good talk. Unfortunately, times have changed and looking at someone the wrong way can get you escorted out of a building. I'm not a fighter. So I sucked it up and went back in, determined to say something to him by the end of the day. Assbag leaves every day at 5:30. Today he left early. The bowler hat and the body odor was gone. I had missed my chance. I'm sure to avoid confrontation, he just ducked out like a little fucking coward baby bitch.

HOWEVER. I decided I'd leave him a little note after all. Knowing he had already read what my proposed Friday note was going to say, I took my copy of the note described in my e-mail and folded it. On the back, I wrote:

Thought you might want a copy you didn't have to invade my privacy to get.

You know my e-mail wasn't up on the screen. You know you opened it.
You should be ashamed of yourself.

A 25 year old tattletale.

Pretty sad.

It's been a pleasure.

Patrick

I'm pleased with it. I couldn't threaten, I didn't want to be profane. It said what I wanted it to say. But can you believe that this man is allowed to stay at his job? That he is allowed to walk the earth?

He opens my personal e-mails, prints them out, and shows them around the office? I open it up to you, friends. What should I have done?  Is this a violation? Is it illegal? At the very least, it's morally reprehensible.

I had been trying to find his myspace, but he must not be using his real name. I imagine his handle is something like 'LKNG4TODDLERS2FUCK82"

Pretty incredible story, isn't it? The worst part is I'll bet this guy truly thinks he was in the right. There are some genuinely despicable people in this world, it really makes you value the good ones.

NOTE: The hilarious comments that originally were posted here had to be deleted due to even further douchebaggery.

tags: douchebag  temp  

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