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Slip N' Died
After the gym last night, I came home and took a shower, but found myself without a towel. I was walking out of the bathroom to grab one, and I slipped and fell really hard onto the floor. My head came within a few inches of bashing into a closet doorknob, but I threw my elbow into it, causing some extreme pain, but avoiding almost certain death.
And I thought about two things as I lay there on the floor, naked and wet and silently screaming while clutching my elbow:
1) I go to the gym 6 days a week and I still look like this when I'm naked and wet? And...
2) What if I had died just now?
I live alone. If I died in my apartment, when would people discover it? Let's say I die on a Wednesday night. Let's say my employers notice I'm not at work on Thursday. If anything they're just gonna call my cell phone, which was nowhere near me and which I would not have heard anyway because dead men hear nothing.
So maybe my girlfriend calls me too, wondering why I'm not there. She might be marginally concerned when I don't answer, but she certainly wouldn't come out to Queens to check on me. After work, she calls maybe three times that night, but certainly wouldn't be in full panic mode yet.
So that brings us to Friday. I have been dead now for two full days. Everyone goes about their business at work, maybe the girlfriend calls a few more times, maybe work calls once more.
Literally no one ever knocks on the door of my apartment. The only time I really see my landlord is when rent's due. If I'm waiting for him to check things out, I wouldn't be found until March 1st at the earliest.
So at this point I'm really relying on my girlfriend to come out to Queens to check on me. That's the only way anyone would know. And since she hates Queens, I think she would push this off as long as possible, maybe even until Sunday and even then I really think she'd have my friend Josh do it, since he lives closeby.
So being generous, let's say he comes over Sunday night. No one else has keys except my landlord and me. Josh doesn't know his number. And if he buzzes and gets no answer, would he really think it was time to break down the door or would he just chalk it up to me taking a vacation and not telling anyone?
No one has my parents' number, I don't see how they could call them. My girlfriend knows their e-mail, let's say she e-mails them on Monday morning and asks if they've heard from me, my mom would immediately go into total freak mode, and then I think things would start getting done. She would probably demand someone call the police and then I'd be at best a small blurb in the New York Post, under the headline "SHOWER SLIPUP!" or "SOAPY SHOCK!" or "WET AND WILD HORROR SHOW!" or "SLIP N' DIED!"
So I would wager, if I died on a Wednesday night, the absolute earliest anyone would find me is Monday evening.
That's kind of disturbing. Would I stink by that time? And how humiliating would it be to be discovered naked? Would you come to my funeral? Would you cry? Would they have the funeral here and all my family and friends back home would come up, or would they ship my body back to Missouri and my New York friends would have to make the trek? And would they make the trek? And would my soul be able to tell who was there and who wasn't so I could know who my good and bad friends were?
What song would I want at my funeral? I couldn't do "Tears In Heaven" or something, my mom couldn't handle that. She cries at Arby's commercials. She'd be having a hard enough time as it is without some moving song about death.
How about Montell Jordan's "This Is How We Do It?"
The priest finishes his monologue, a few of my best friends say a few words about how I would have wanted everybody to have a good time, and how I wouldn't have wanted them to be sad, and then the priest walks up and says,
"And now we'd like to close with one of young Patrick's favorite hymns.....Drop a beat!"
The organ plays an intro but then a priest in the back drops the needle and "This Is How We Do It!" comes blasting from the back.
Or wait! How hard could it be to get Montell Jordan to play my funeral? We pay his airfare and give him free food, tell him some shit about how it's my dream, he'd come wouldn't he?
OK, OK, so the priest says, "...we'd like to close with one of young Patrick's favorite hymns...Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Montell Jordan!"
And out he comes, decked out in a flamboyant lavender suit and a bejeweled golden crown.
He heads up to the pulpit and just lays it down, an incendiary performance that beats even the unparalleled recorded version. About halfway through the song, three nuns come out behind him with their heads down, hands folded in prayer. But then as Montell kicks into the rap part, ("Once upon a time in '94, Montell made no money and life sure was slow...") the nuns throw off their habits revealing three huge-assed rap video girls in gold bikinis with crosses around their necks. And they do some hardcore dancing while the mourners go "OHHHHHHHH!" "DAAAAAMN!" etc.
By the end all the mourners are up and clapping and dancing and shaking it. My mother starts to smile and looks up to the heavens, shaking her head in disbelief. All of my friends are looking at each other, going "This is so Pat!" and high-fiving. Montell would even stay to play the lesser known "Somethin' 4 Da Honeyz." and "Get It On Tonite." People would leave saying, "Man that funeral was off the chain!"
Just some things I was thinking about as my life passed before my eyes.
Today's lyric: "I'm cold and I am shamed. Lying naked on the floor."
I'd come to your funeral, Pat. Because as Yogi Berra said, "Always go to
other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
I FINALLY KNOW THE LYRIC!! Its "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia.
And P.S., your dad gave me his phone number months ago...Does this suprise
you?
Natalie Ambruglia - Torn....
Pat-- I would definitely ask Jill to sing Amazing Grace at your funeral.
She won $50 in the experience store idol!!!
Others have already gotten that it was Natalie Imbruglia(I choose not to
care if this is the correct spelling). However, Pat, I was wondering if I
ever told you that it was that video that pushed me to make a Tom Schmitz
style announcement that she was the hottest woman to ever live. I later
recanted. Also she is married to Daniel Johns of Silverchair.
Definitely have your funeral in New York. My parents would be so sad, I
know they would fork up for my flight and my hotel. Hell, they would
probably even give me a per diem for food and shit. Ooh, while I'm
thinking, could you space out the wake and the funeral over a couple of
days. I still haven't made it to see the Gugenheim.
Mike - Mr. Walsh is a gem. The date went well - he was a bit handsy but
dinner was delicious.
Pat,
Ben,
I did read his autobiography - doing blow off a stripper's back, saving all
those orphans from a burning building, braining a guy with a tire iron for
mouthing off, all the while making quirky and clever comments. He's quite
an inspiration.
Pat,
Hey Pat,
I read this site regularly, but don't comment very much because I'm lazy.
But today you had me doing spit takes with my morning coffee while
picturing your tragic and untimely death. (And yes, that meant I also had
to picture you naked. But at least you weren't pooping). Maybe it's just
me, but the stories that make me laugh the most all involve you suffering
horribly. Your first awful job in New York? Hilarious. Your parents'
divorce? Pure comic gold! If one day your dog dies, your apartment burns
down, and your girlfriend leaves you for your best friend, I'd probably
just chuckle. Does that make me a bad person?
Damn everyone for being so on top of things today. I used to love that song
(sadly enough). I remember watching the pop-up video for it and I guess
they just kept filming after the director yelled cut, so a lot of that
video is actually just Natalie doing whatever she candidly does between
takes. Pat, I think you should go to a doctor and get some x-rays. My boss
fell getting out of the shower a month ago and her shoulder started to hurt
really bad. She just went and got x-rays this week and it turns out that
she tore her rotator cuff and needs surgery. What's with people falling
naked on the floor these days? I thought that just happened to
grandmothers. Speaking of which, my grandmother fell getting out of the
shower last month. She broke her hip. Go get x-rays, Patrick.
PW,
Man, this must be the most popular entry of your life, it took me like five
minutes (instead of the usual one-half minute) to read all of the comments!
I didn't know the artist or the name of the song, but I coulda sung the
thing, which is embarrassing to admit as A)it's a shitty song by a likewise
shitty artist, B)I haven't yeard it in years, and C)I don't even know HOW I
know how that song goes.
Bryan,
hey, I just realized I got a shout out on here from "JJ"
You're right, we'd have trouble reducing ourselves to his level. Better
get him a separate room in which to perform.
After going through your favorites of 2006, I stumbled on this one and was
instantly reminded of both Daniel Tosh and Nick Swardson. If you don't
know who they are, find out. Hilarious. And as long as the funeral's in
STL, I'm sure I could make an appearance. And know nobody. I could make
up any story, really.
-M