Review Roundup: Ruins, Leatherheads, Stones, and Gamblers

I know I haven't been keeping up with my movie reviews (or anything, really) on this site lately, so this week I'll do my best to bring you up to date with what I've seen in 2008 (rhyme).

THE RUINS (B+)

This picture looks a lot like every family vacation I ever went on. That would be me on the left.

Scott Smith (A Simple Plan) adapts his own excellent horror novel into a pretty excellent horror movie. There's no other way to put this...The Ruins is about killer vines. But it's hard to roll your eyes when you're squirming in your seat and silently screaming. Kinda lame ending, but kickass and fatless until that point. The Ruins also features some of the most jacktastic nudity I've seen on the big screen in a while. Laura Ramsey, I don't know who you are, but you nearly made me ruin my jeans. Hiyo! I'm not sure what people want from their horror movies -- just like with the frankly amazing screamer The Mist, critics weren't impressed with The Ruins, audiences aren't showing up, and it will be out of theaters in no time. Go ahead morons, go see Prom Night instead. Have fun. 

LEATHERHEADS (D-) 

Dear Mr. Hollywood,

We, the undersigned, fucking hate Renee Zelwegger. She is charmless. She is talentless. She looks like a flounder eating a lemon. We don't like watching her do things, and we don't want to do it anymore. We feel that we have made this abundantly clear by not coming to any of her movies since that one where she was fat and British ten years ago. Please. No more.

Sincerely,

America 

Zelwegger is certainly awful here (though she will never equal the depths of her screeching, OSCAR-WINNING! performance in Cold Mountain -- one of the Academy's most shameful moments), but the film has many, many more problems than Blondie. It tries to be too many things, and winds up being absolutely nothing. As a sports movie, it is limp and uninvolving. As a screwball comedy, it is laughless and cringe-inducing. As a romance, well, George Clooney and Zelwegger have about as much chemistry as a yo-yo and a cactus, and Jon Krasinski's small-screen charms do not translate. How Clooney could direct the terrific Good Night and Good Luck and then this excruciating bore is baffling. Were it not for the soul-battering Fool's Gold, Leatherheads would be the worst movie of the year. As it is, it will just have to settle for being a nearly unwatchable piece of crapbage.

SHINE A LIGHT (A-)

I don't mention my love of the Rolling Stones much on this site, for the same reason I don't much mention my love of the Beatles. It's not exactly an interesting point of view when everyone shares it. But as an enormous fan of the band, seeing this on a Cinerama-dome screen with rattle-your-sperm sound was something akin to a religious experience. Martin Scorsese directs, and if it isn't quite the landmark cinematic and historic achievement that his Last Waltz was (how could it compete? Waltz has gallons of cocaine and Neil Freaking Diamond!), it's every bit as entertaining, and it focuses on a band that kicks far more ass. The Stones stay away from their huge hits for the most part, and that's a wise choice -- keeps the audience on its toes. Lot of seventies stuff, which I consider their greatest period. As for the guests, Jack White looks excited but doesn't bring much to the table, Christina Aguilera's whorey charms bounce nicely off horndog Mick Jagger, and Buddy Guy steals the whole show. The old dudes still sound amazing, and still moves with so much energy that you almost forget they look like the cave-dwelling skeletons that Indiana Jones always seems to stumble across. 

21 (C+) 

Four or five months from now, you will be browsing through the titles available on HBO On Demand some night, and you will come upon 21. You will not be sure what it is at first, but when you read the synopsis you will mutter something to the effect of "Math prodigy...Las Vegas...blackjack...oh yeah, I remember the previews for this. Looked alright, I guess. And I used to really like Kevin Spacey. Well...I don't have anything else to do. And it's free. Maybe I'll watch it while I fold my laundry."

This is how 21 should be watched. It is exactly good enough to watch on HBO On Demand while you fold your laundry. 

More to come, and incase you missed it... HERE is the link to my Forgetting Sarah Marshall review over at Cinematical, and HERE is the link to my interview with its director.