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Kicking It In The Sac-ramento
I went up to Sacramento this weekend for the wedding of one of my best friends. Naturally, it rained the whole trip, but I had a really great time.
Most of the six-hour drive to Sacramento was flat, full of farms, and reeked of cow poop. Oddly, it made me extremely homesick for Missouri. There were large portions that were really beautiful, and one big stretch through mountains that was fantastic.
I met a lifelong best friend of mine and his delightful girlfriend at the airport. We stayed in the Comfort Suites. At one point I asked a middle-aged Asian maid what the address of the hotel (the hotel we were in and where this woman had worked for years) was so I could print directions. She didn't know the answer, and apologized to the point where things got very uncomfortable and I thought she was going to go all Shogun on herself.
In hotels these days, they have all these little guilt trip signs everywhere that are very annoying. "You know, if you throw that towel on the floor, we'll have to wash it, and we waste so much water on washing towels, and the world's coming to an end and blah blah blah." Same with the sheets, "You sure you want to wash these sheets? Seems kinda silly, no? Guess you don't care much about your child's future?"
I'm in a hotel! That's the fun of it, you finish with a towel, you throw it on the floor. Use a washcloth to wipe your butt, who cares? It's a hotel. I wonder if these signs are genuine concern for the environment or if they're just maids wanting to spend less time doing laundry and more time playing Solitaire and not knowing the address of the building they work in.
I further wonder, if Al Gore stays in a fancy hotel all week, do you think he re-uses his towel? I'll get Michael Moore on it.
The wedding was at what appeared to be a haunted mansion. We had to cross two drawbridges to get there! We drove through mile after mile of a forest right out of a Tim Burton movie. Endless rows of evil looking black trees. "What demon seed could have sprouted these monstrosities?" we wondered. We found out later they were pear trees. EVIL pear trees.
This mansion was great, there were many jokes made by the three of us regarding paintings where the eyes follow you around and candlesticks that, when pulled, lead to hidden passageways. It was a very Scooby-Doo kind of mansion. The ghosts were kept at bay, the wedding was lovely, and the food glorious.
Went up to the Napa Valley, wine country, on Saturday. It wasn't quite the Sideways-style experience we'd hoped for. We picked a winery, we did a bit of overpriced "tasting," then purchased a bottle of wine, took a seat in an elegant room by a fireplace, got three glasses out and prepared to drink. I walked up to the bar and asked the woman there to uncork it. She looked as though I had asked her if I could play "Wipeout" on her ass cheeks.
WOMAN: (chuckling) Oh no! We don't uncork wine bottles on the premises!
ME: (in disbelief) But. This is. A winery?
WOMAN: That's correct, but we don't uncork wine bottles.
ME: It's not outside wine, we bought it here.
WOMAN: (stares blankly)
ME: Is there anything we can do to...drink wine? At a winery?
WOMAN: Yes, you can buy a glass like everyone else.
Let me get this straight. You can't uncork a BOTTLE OF WINE at a WINERY? And you're going to laugh like you've never heard such a ridiculous request? That's like walking into Burger King, asking for a burger, and having the clerk giggle at you and say "Burgers? Oh my Lord, no! Not at Burger King!"
Terrible. We're probably the only people to ever tour wine country without getting so much as a buzz.
We also went to the Jelly Belly factory. Let me start by saying that if you ever get the chance to eat lunch at the Jelly Belly factory...don't take that chance. But otherwise it was a lot of fun.
There was a very strange shrine to Ronald Reagan, who apparently was known for his love of jelly beans. Not a bad legacy. They even had a mosaic of Reagan's face made entirely of jelly beans. They had a bunch of those, Elvis Presley in jelly beans, Marilyn Monroe in jelly beans, and my favorite, The Pope. Seriously. Jelly Bean Pope.
We toured the factory, which was very cool, and at the end they gave us free jelly beans. I popped the first one in my mouth and almost got sick. "Dear God! What is this? It tastes like grass!" Guess what? It was a grass-flavored jelly bean. Some tie-in to the movie The Ant Bully. You ever wonder what it'd be like to eat a freshly mowed lawn? Yeah, me neither. But now I know. They also had "Dirt" flavored, those were worse because they actuallly seemed to have bits of dirt in them. GROSS. What sucked is they were just mixed right in with the other delicious candy treats, so the whole rest of the trip, as the three of us munched away, this is pretty much all that was heard in the car:
"Mmmmm, Pomegranete!"
"Toasted Marshamallow is my favorite!"
"Dude, if you mix two Blueberry ones with a Buttered Popcorn, it tastes just like a Blueberry Muffin!"
"Son of a bitch! I got another fucking "Dirt" jelly bean! God DAMMIT! Hand me the water! The water!"
Nice work, Jelly Belly. We learned that they also make (for real) vomit and booger flavors, tied in to Harry Potter, but thankfully our bags didn't have any of those. What is it with kids? Always looking for that next high, always chasing that elusive thrill. When I was a lad, it was Atomic Fireballs and Warheads. Have you ever had a Warhead? I'm sure they've been quarantined, they're designed to rip the taste buds right out of your tongue. I remember every day at recess, putting two in my mouth, tears streaming down my face at the sour explosion, saying "This is awesome!"
Mark my words, these grass and vomit flavored Jelly Beans are a gateway candy. Six months down the line, little Betty Lou's going to be shooting up in an alley because grass jelly beans "just don't do it anymore."
All in all, it was a great weekend and a really fun trip. The rain cleared up on our last day (of course) and the drive back to LA was insanely pretty. OH! And while stopping for gas, my old pal Wendy caught my eye. As a child, nothing made me happier than a delicious Wendy's Frosty. It had been too long. I pulled into the drive-thru, no need to look at the menu. And then, at the last second, I made a mistake. A big mistake.
ME: Hello! I'd like a medium Frosty please!
WENDY: Vanilla or chocolate?
ME: (head exploding) I'm sorry. What did you just say?
WENDY: Vanillla or chocolate?
ME: (This dame's talking crazy! Frosties only come in one flavor: Delicious.) What's a Vanilla Frosty all about?
WENDY: It's like a Frosty. But it's vanilla.
ME: Got it. OK, let's do that. Medium Vanilla Frosty.
Listen, Wendy. I know the Frosty. The Frosty is a good friend of mine. Vanilla Frosty...you are no Frosty.
Oh man--I've had those Harry Potter jelly beans. In addition to vomit and
booger, they have earthworm, earwax, rotten egg, soap, bacon, etc. Really
crazy. Also: they don't have Wendy's (Wendys'??) in LA?
Ewwwww! And do they really taste like those things? I can't imagine they'd
make a jelly bean taste exactly like vomit, it seems like that'd trigger
the real deal. I need details on these beans, please.
Did you hear the horribly sick news about how every St. Louis-area Wendy's
closed down? The closest one is in Edwardsville, IL, and that's probably
the closest one until Litchfield, IL.
Wendy's Frosties usually kick the ass of any of the other fast food shakes,
but the undisputed king of all ice-cream-like beverages is those green
shakes you can get at McDonalds around St. Patrick's Day.
I can not believe they make those horrible... flavors? into candy. It's
CANDY. But if this is the direction we're going then I'm off to market my
new line of scented candles that smell like ass, dog crap and burning hair.
They do indeed taste like their name. I was a wimp, and only tried "kinda"
gross ones like grass, dirt, and soap...but I did trick my brother into
eating a vomit one...and I think he'll tell you it was true to its name.
oh and to answer Rob's question--I've seen them in pretty random places.
Candy stores, of course, but also bookstores, Hallmark, etc. I don't think
anyone buys them twice...kinda a novelty item, plus any Harry Potter
fanatic wouldn't be able to resist!
YAWN.
Rob,
I have mixed emotions about the new Vanilla Frosty. On the one hand, it's
still a Frosty. But for God's sake, why mess with something as heavenly as
THE original? I stick with the Original, Biggie Sized of course.
Johnny,
im a dreamcrusher, not like you'll care anyway, but did you know a chiptole
burrito is over 1000 calories?? crazy!
Jill, I know that disturbing stat should probably affect me in some way,
but I think I'll just choose to ignore it. Now just fess up ... how many
gift cards did YOU buy?
Jill,
Free Chipotle burritos?! I had heard nothing about this! Share the love,
people!
I went to Wendys.com because it is the best source for finding out where
there is a Wendy's (better at this point even than highway "Food - This
Exit" signs). Are you going to blame me for trying to find a Wendy's in
this cold, Wendy'sless town?