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Diamonds, Mayans, Germans, Museums, and Misspellings: Holiday Movie Review Roundup, Part Two
APOCALYPTO (B+)
Mel Gibson likes things in your face. He likes big, brutal, all-screaming-all-the-time action. He likes violence, and specifically torture, not just in his directorial efforts like the awesome Braveheart and the not-so-awesome The Adventures of Jesus, but in his acting choices too. Remember he was tortured in the Lethal Weapons, Conspiracy Theory, I could go on. He likes blood and guts and gore. He likes all of these things more than, say, Jews. I think the man has problems.
He is also an undeniably talented filmmaker, and somebody who follows his, er, passions wherever they may lead. Apocalypto is a hardcore revenge movie set in Mayan times, and it is completely nucking futs, in the best possible way. There are some visuals I won't soon forget. There are some great performances by people I took seriously despite the fact that, to quote Wayne's World 2, I found it a trifle unnecessary to see the cracks of their bottoms. And best of all there was creative, beautifully shot, and exciting violence. This thing was chock full of squirting blood, beheadings, heart-ripping-outings, and much, much more.
It was a blast, particularly the final hour of "The Chase," when this turns into Last of the Mohicans meets Home Alone. Sweet.
THE GOOD GERMAN (C+)
What a missed opportunity. Steven Soderbergh is a "one for them, one for me" director, throwing out big-budget, big-star entertainments, and balancing them with smaller experimental films. Trouble is he takes the "one for me" part too literally, and winds up making movies for ONLY him. He's got to find a better balance.
There is a reason a movie starring George Clooney, Cate Blanchett, and Tobey Maguire (giving the movie's best performance, as an incredibly nasty human being), is getting dumped into minimal theaters at the busiest time of the year. Not many people are going to like this movie. I've never seen so many walkouts, and I saw Freddy Got Fingered at the theater.
It's a beautiful looking movie, (just look at that still above), and it was made using only the tools available to 1940's filmmakers, which is a neat touch. It certainly looks like those old movies. But it doesn't feel like them. At all. There is nudity, violence, lotsa the word "Fuck," and I guess the idea is to show you how those old movies would have been if they weren't held back by production codes and things like that. Casablanca with tits. BUT what made those old movies so incredible is that they couldn't fall back on those crutches. Therefore, they had to work overtime to hold a viewer's attention, crafting extra-snappy dialogue and extra-gripping stories. This had neither, despite being written by the awesome Paul Attanasio, who wrote two of the best screenplays of the 90's: Quiz Show and Donnie Brasco.
Everyone walking out of this movie was throwing up their hands saying "I didn't get it!" I really didn't either, though I followed the plot. I don't see why they wouldn't have hammered out a more enjoyable script, made this not just an exercise in style, but a real competitor to those old classics. Very dull, this is a frustrating film, one to admire but not to love.
THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS (B+)
This movie blindsided me. My eyes were already half-rolled when the credits began, I was expecting a schmaltzorama, the usual "inspired by a true story" lameness, full of dramatic speeches, and "Go Get 'Em's!" Instead, I got a very subtle movie that really moved me. I haven't cried in a theater since About Schmidt four years ago, and I almost couldn't believe it when this thing made it happen, almost casually.
Will Smith is really terrific in this, he toned down much of his little tics and wisecracks to play Real Person Chris Gardner, a man who took a huge risk by signing on for an unpaid, make-or-break internship at Dean Whitter. His son (real life and onscreen) is undeniably cute, but you can tell Smith was able to take their onscreen relationship to darker places because it wasn't some child he barely knew.
This does get really grim at times, and that's a wonderful thing. The script by Steven Conrad is really something, he's proven himself to be in pretty much a class by himself at writing feel-good movies that make you feel bad. He wrote last year's insanely underrated The Weather Man, with Nicolas Cage, one of the most miserable Hollywood movies I've seen. That movie made my Ten Best list last year, and this one has a good shot this year. He's a writer to watch.
I may have loved this movie all the more because I can relate, it is always so refreshing to see poor people portrayed onscreen. Living a life where getting a parking ticket can keep you from making rent or buying food, that's where I'm at right now. So much of his struggle had me saying a hearty "Amen, sister!" I really got caught up in his struggle, and this gets all the little details of that kind of life exactly right. Notice the scene where they are cleaning up after dinner and the mother pours the tea left in their glasses back into the pitcher instead of into the sink. It was buried under dialogue, it was a tiny moment, but a perfect one. There's a lot of that here.
I would have cut the very last scene, but other than that, I really loved this movie. I do wish they had ended it with one of those delightful Will Smith raps where he explains scene-for-scene what just happened in the movie.
I'm the poorest there is, I'm the sorest there is, did I say I'm the poorest there is?
NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM (D+)
Ugh. I don't want to be an old man here, but remember when kids' movies used to try? What a lame, lifeless piece of crap this is. Robin Williams, I can't take it anymore. Stop it! Just stop it. Owen Wilson, I never thought I'd say this, but same goes for you. I think back to the thrill I felt when I first saw Wilson in Bottle Rocket. I think of how incredibly funny he was in Meet the Parents, how fresh his every line reading felt. Turns out he's got nothing else. Enough of you. That's two lazy shitbombs for you this year, OW, and I know there'll be many, many more in the future.
And Ben. Oh, Ben. How I once loved you. I loved your short-lived TV show, I loved your underappreciated directorial work (Reality Bites, Cable Guy), I loved everything you did, Ben. I really did. I loved Mystery Men, Ben! But you had to appear in five movies a year, didn't you? You had to do the exact same Jewish Hugh Grant schtick in every single one of them, didn't you? And now here you are in a kid's movie. Mark my words, Ben, this is your Jumanji, and it's all downhill from here. I hope you and Robin Williams had a nice long talk on set, because you're about five years away from moving in with him at the Hollywood Hall of Lame. ENOUGH! All of you! Say "No!" for a few years. Enough!
The one good thing about this movie was the guy who has said "No!" to countless movie offers, and was therefore extremely refreshing and funny up on the big screen: the honorable Ricky Gervais. He was clearly returning the favor for Ben Stiller's (admittedly great) appearance on Extras, but you could tell he added his own stuff and kept his dignity.
Ben Stiller and a bunch of CGI animals does not a movie make. If the script's not there, don't start filming.
BLOOD DIAMOND (B)
A very solid action movie that eventually gets bogged down its message. Edward Zwick directed the incredible Glory, but let's not forget that he directed one of my least favorite movies of recent years, The Last Samurai. And though he keeps this hard-edged and exciting throughout, he can't help but throw in a syrupy, insanely irritating ending that nearly ruins everything that came before. Zwick loves that shit. I acted out on the most recent podcast the finale of The Last Samurai, where the Emporer (I think it was the Emporer) is asking about his son (I think it was his son) and says "I want you to tell me how he died."
And Tom Cruise looks up all solemn-like and says: "No. I'll tell you how he lived!"
I choked back so much vomit. Looked around, everyone crying. Horrible. This ends with something pretty similar, one of those movie "slow claps" turning into a standing ovation, and it's a damn shame, because everything before it is tense, violent, scary, and fun.
I laughed EVERY TIME DiCaprio spoke in the trailer for this movie, it seemed to be one of the biggest accent mistakes since Keanu Reeves in Devil's Advocate. Or Keanu Reeves in Bram Stoker's Dracula. Or Keanu Reeves in...I'll stop. BUT believe it or not, it sounds unnatural at first, but he sticks with it and it worked for me, though I'll admit I don't really know how men from Zimbabwe talk. He was great here, and Djimon Hounsou was very strong as well.
Another big problem is that despite Jennifer Connelly's ridiculous hotness, the love story doesn't work, and nowhere does it work less than when DiCaprio is talking about how his father was decapitated and his mom was raped...and it works as pillow talk. Um...ew.
MAYBE a movie about the exploitation and slaughter of thousands of Africans doesn't need a romance. Just saying.
I would like to say I think Jennifer Connelly has gone to #1 on my "To Do" List. After this and especially Little Children, I can't think of her without pitching a tent.
Hey, you know what movie she was really sexy in? That screwball comedy Requiem For A Dream. That descent into complete moral degredation...HOT! Ass to ass indeed!
Mel Gibson is a great filmmaker / artist, however, he does seem to have a
Howard Hughes vibe to him. The problem with Mel is that he's also an
American-Celebrity, and that leads us to this question: When do we start to
take him (celebrities) seriously, outside of their artistic works. I
believe the answer is, once they run for office - Governator-style! That's
when we need use our brain cells and analyze their 'real-world' actions /
words.
I'll come to your defense on the MYSTERY MEN thing; usually when people
start goin' on about the best comic book-to-movie transitions in history, I
think of about five movies immediately; this (along with DICK TRACY, for
certain) is one of them.
Mike,
Too bad you don't live in my neighborhood. We see Jennifer Connelly
constantly. Eating dinner, breast feeding...I'm tired of her.
Is it weird that the thought of her breast feeding makes me feel all foxy
inside? Oh, to be that newborn!
The problem with the video is that Gardner goes on a tirade about how he
can't get a taxi as a black man in Chicago (which is ironically all told
from the back seat of a taxi cab). Essentially the video undergoes a
crescendo which climaxes with Gardner frustratedly telling all white people
to go fuck themselves. Of course this follows him pulling out $550 in
cash, making no small point of showing off and expounding on his great
wealth, his wonderful and millions-of-dollars-producing job, the Ferrari
that he owns and tools around with on weekends, the fact that one time he
was carrying around $250,000 in his pocket, and more. I've never been, and
hope/expect never to be, a homeless black man with a son, and obviously
I've got as much respect as anybody does (or more) for a guy who overcame
all odds to make something (big) out of nothing (at all), and I'm a sucker
for an underdog story like you might not even believe (to a fault, even),
but as a member of the human race I would traditionally expect a more
humble and less vindictive outpouring from a dude who came up from nothing,
or whatever. Surely the man could exercise some damned modesty given what
he's seen and what he's been able to accomplish.
BrooklynCaaaah, you live in the Slope! And if you've seen the lady breast
feeding, I'm guessing you've been to the Tea Lounge. Whereabouts do you
live?
Rob,
Yeah I saw NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM, it was just some kids movie, you came down
pretty hard on it given what it was...maybe you had high expectations or
something...I enjoyed it, myself. Hell if it makes a kid (or anyone else)
watching it think a museum is cool, bonus.
I'll admit, I rarely see kids' movies, and when I do, my expectations are
extremely low and rarely exceeded. I just thought with this cast, (Stiller,
Wilson, Paul Rudd, Steve Coogan, Gervais...) SOMETHING would click for me,
but it didn't. I don't know why movies for kids all have to be so lazy, as
though kids don't deserve quality entertainment, too.
Oh also regarding TPOH, I feel relatively confident that, given any single
movie, I could be happy goin' the rest of my life without seeing it. Hell
it's probably more an inconvenience to bother with it than anything; not
goin' outta my way to NOT see it, but you can bet I won't mess around with
poppin' it in the trusty ol' VCR myself. I'm sure it's harmless or
whatever, but why waste my time seein' some movie about that asshole when I
can see a movie with lots of girls with huge boobs or a dragon that
enslaves earth or something that's all awesome in it?
Some would consider the triumph of the human spirit awesome, but oh well. I
can't fault a man for wanting to see huge boobs. As for the dragons, are we
talking about "Eragon" here?
What's "Eragon"? I'm just talking about awesome dragons enslaving mankind
in general, or like a ninja warrior and a samurai battling it out, or dudes
in hot rods listening to heavy metal music. You know, just...awesome
stuff.
OK, I've got to jump into this Happy-ness / racism stuff. I have not seen
the movie yet. However, I have read several movie reviews, and I watched an
a CNBC interview last weekend. The thing that I like about the reviews,
including Pat's is that they focused on CLASS, not RACE.
BTW: I don't like dropping the n-word, just semi-quoting Chris Gardner ---
check out the pdf for the CNBC / WSJ transcript link.
I wasn't saying that TPOH had anything to do with race. Not having seen it
I can't comment, but I wasn't trying or wanting to anyway...I'm more
talking about the video I posted a link-to above as a poor reflection on
the man whose blockbuster-film-version life story (apparently) touts him
highly, and using it as a(nother) excuse not to see a movie I had no
intention of seeing in the first place.
Rob, it seems to be a slow week for PW's blog. So, I'll engage you for a
bit... The video that you posted does touch on the subject of race, so
that's why I brought up the race issue - but its all good, and we are
probably spending too much time discussing a Smith-family project.