Semen Like A Good Idea

I understand no less than 48, but why no more than 72? Does semen grow stale?

Pat,

There are some legal ramifications to this, like if your sperm get used, and the confidentiality agreement you sign isn't good enough, or for that matter there isn't a confidnetiality agreement, or it is, but incompetant people work at the clinic then you could have a kid come looking for you some day.

You should call either me or Jason and talk this through before you go through with it.

Yeah, jeez. Don't get me wrong, I am unbelievably proud about asking my parents for any sort of financial help, but if it's a choice between that and the chance of running into a little me-clone twenty years down the road, Pop's getting a call fast. Like, ninja-fast.

Pat, your life is a sit-com.

Also, have you checked-out patrickwalsh.com? Hilarious.

I can't wait for the report.

That said, it might indeed be SEMEN' like a good idea now, but indeed you must think of the future ramifications (legally, emotionally, familially...).

With bated breath, though....

how much money could you actually be getting? can't you just be a starbucks barrista on the weekend?

GREAT idea Jill! I think they have a better benefits plan than I do.... And Pat-- isn't it a little unnerving that you might actually have (indirectly) fathered a child in 9 mos?

Pat,

Did they ask you not to drink mountain dew because I always wanted to know if that actually lowered sperm count.

M. Kemper makes a good point. So if they ask, and it happens that it has been more than 72 hours since you unleashed the hounds, what do they do? Politely ask you to take advantage of yourself and then set the date for two days from then?

Actually, that's probably exactly what they do. Wow, that just seems odd to me.

Pat, if it turns out you do go through with this, what kind of supplementary material do they provide you with? I've always wondered if the magazines they give you are hopelessly outdated, like the Newsweeks in a dentist's office. Then again, it would be kind of a kick to see the headline "TAWNY KITAEN BARES ALL!!!" and have it be something other than horrifying.

get jizzy with it!

Mike - don't you have finals to be studying for? Or is sperm donation one of your classes this semester?

I'm no Starbucks expert, but I'm pretty sure the barrista job involves less ejaculation.

what does your mom think? you know shes reading this right now!

I am a former Starbucks barista, and you are entirely incorrect. Never did it myself, but there is some Fight Club shit that goes on when people send back a latte.

"More foam, you say? Certainly, sir. Let me just get that from the special machine in the back. There you go. Enjoy."

I'm kidding, of course. I've totally done that myself.

Thanks Jackson, that is good to know. If there is one thing I dislike more than coffee it is semen (*ahem* let's not get into how I know this). In any case I don't think I'll be going to a Starbucks anytime soon.

Hi Daddy! It's me, Baby Pat! I need money! Help a brotha out!

Pat's doing a public service. How else are lesbian couples gonna conceive? After all, David Crosby is only one man.

Pat, there's an open call for contestants to be on that game show 1 vs 100 late Tuesday afternoon in Culver City.

Talk about easy money. And you get to schmooze with Bob Saget, possibly the greatest celebrity since... well I'm sure since someone.

How much does sperm selling pay? Isn't there an LA equivalent to Gateway? A medical experiment with a possible side effect of death sounds like a better idea than an unidentified baby Pat growing up with lesbian parents. There's got to be a better way.