Things You Didn't Know About Me #1

Starting a new feature here at the site, "Things You Didn't Know About Me." 

These are things beyond "I enjoy music, movies and masturbation." These are things you might learn on, say, our tenth date. You know, when we've completely run out of things to talk about and I'm wondering why we haven't "done it" yet.

I WAS FRANCIS HOWELL HIGH SCHOOL'S HOMECOMING KING

Junior year of high school was a remarkable time for me. My horrible (HORRIBLE) (Seriously, horrible) acne cleared up, I lost so much weight my Language Arts teacher asked me if I had acquired an eating disorder over the summer (in front of other students, highly awkward and unprofessional), and I got my first hardcore serious girlfriend. I'd had daliances to be sure, 3 month flings here and there, but this was my first taste of the big time. And we were adorable.

So adorable, in fact, that we were also voted "Cutest Couple" my senior year. If I may continue to brag, I was also voted "Best Sense of Humor" and "Most Likely to Become a Movie Star." (Still waiting on that one, though I'm currently in talks to step into the stovepipe hat in Steven Spielberg's upcoming Abe Lincoln biopic).

Now all of this may have you thinking I was exceedingly popular in high school, and to some extent the last few years I was. However, the real reason I took the crown that fateful October is because I managed to bridge the gap between nerd and jock. I had friends so nerdy Stephen Hawking wouldn't hang with them. I had friends so attractive The Pope would fuck them.

I belonged to no real clique, I had friends both Christian and Atheist, both drama and football, both caucasian and...caucasian. (Hey, it was Missouri, cut me some slack. I've since branched out).

Still, I was in Drama and Choir (regular and Chamber and Show!). I had heard of this "Football," but was unsure of how it was played or indeed what it was. I had the odd distinction of being a "cool" guy who could still be bullied if I turned the wrong corner.

This is what led to a rather tense Homecoming experience. When they read the couples who were nominated during morning announcements earlier in the month, it was three football stars and three cheerleaders. And then me and my girlfriend. Me and my girlfriend. Feathers were ruffled. "How did they make the cut?" their heavily mascaraed eyes seemed to shout. 

At the Big Game, the four nominated couples took a spin around the football field in golf carts, (a strange ritual, I know), then stood to face our public. As they read the nominees, I did notice that our names garnered the most applause, but I was fairly certain we wouldn't win it. When my name was called out, I did an elaborate dance and the crowd burst into cheers. Still, there was some anger and grumbling coming from Football Douches 1, 2, and 3. Now, they didn't hold me down in the shower later or anything, but they made it clear they thought I was undeserving.

Still, the game was great and the dance the next night was better. The theme was "Under The Sea" and the gym was decorated accordingly. The budget must have been through the roof, because the walls were festooned with construction paper fish that dazzled the eye and warmed the heart. My girlfriend and I knew we had to dance in front of the entire student body, and I wouldn't have been nervous were it not for the song we'd be dancing to:

"Kiss The Girl." Yes, that "Kiss The Girl." From The Little Mermaid. A song with no discernible beat!

So, needless to say it was an awkward slow dance. The gym was sweltering hot and I was sweating profusely, but most everyone watched quietly and there was a lot of "Awwws" and the like. And then I grabbed her ass. It got a big laugh and I received what I feel was far too strong a scolding from the principal.

All in all, it was an intoxicating three minutes I'll not soon forget.

It wasn't all glorious, unfortunately. In the middle of the song, some guy yelled out "FAG!" which I'm certain was directed at me, but I can't hold a grudge. This was high school and I was wearing a sash, holding a sceptre, and dancing to the sultry Caribbean sounds of an animated crab named Sebastian.

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