Cry Hard

My love of the Die Hard films, or "The Thrillogy," has been well documented on this site.

So for the past ten years, as rumors have swelled about a fourth Die Hard, my emotions have been all over the place, like those of a menopausal woman. Yes, of course, I'm excited to see the continuing adventures of one John McClane, but a big part of me just knows that Hollywood will manage to ruin it. I can think of zero franchises that were good past the third film, and I can think of very few that were good past the second (Back to the Future and Indiana Jones being notable exceptions).

And what sucks is that a bad film in the series lowers all of the other films by association. That's the only good thing that came from Michael J. Fox getting Parkinson's, we know we're not going to be subjected to Marty and Doc taking a trip to prehistoric times the next time Universal is low on cash.

Still, my heart was prepared to go on. Surely they wouldn't ruin Die Hard, quite possibly the finest action series ever?

And then I read the press release. I'll break down some highlights for you, and with each new point, just imagine a bear trap closing tighter and tighter on my genitals.

1) The title:

Live Free or Die Hard. No, I'm serious.  

I would have loved to sit in on the brainstorming session for that one. Live and Let Die Hard?                                                                                  

I got it! We'll call it...Die? Hardly!

2) The plot:

John McClane takes on an internet-based terrorist organization that is systematically shutting down the United States.

Oh God DAMN IT! Has there ever been a good movie about internet hackers? Ever? The Net, Hackers, Firewall, I could go on. It is the most boring, overdone, shit-tastic idea in action moviedom. Not to mention internet hackers are NERDS! John McClane needs an enemy worthy of his talents! Namely kicking ass and taking names! This means a whole movie full of viruses and code-cracking and...God DAMN IT!

3) The writer/director:

The first and third Die Hards were directed by John McTiernan (Predator, Hunt for Red October, Thomas Crown Affair), a great action director in his prime. The second was directed by Renny Harlin, not a cinematic master but a solid director (Cliffhanger, the awesome Long Kiss Goodnight), and a guy with a great visual sense, which he really showed off in Die Hard 2, most superbly in the ejector seat sequence on the plane and in the ending, one of the greatest movie resolutions of all time.

Live Free or Die Hard (shudder) will be directed by Len Wiseman. The director of Underworld. And Underworld 2. And...the upcoming Underworld 3. And that's it. I didn't see the Underworld movies, but they looked embarrassing. This is the best you could do? Get McTiernan back, the guy resorted to directing Rollerball for God's sake! Throw him a bone!

LFODH was written by Mark Bomback. The man who wrote Godsend (D). I saw Godsend. Don't you go making the same mistake.

4) The casting:

John McClane is a man who works alone. He has assistance from time to time, (Carl Winslow from Family Matters in the original being a perfect example), but these movies thrive on him being a renegade, not playing by the rules, and butting heads with authority. That formula was shaken up a bit when he was all but partnered with Samuel L. Jackson in Vengeance, but there they had the genius to partner him with someone every bit as crazy as he was. Samuel L. was so fantastic in that movie, and they made such a great team, and that scene where they meet is SO EXCELLENT (the "I hate N*****s" sandwich board) that my doubts vanished immediately.

Well, this time around, they are pairing John McClane with JUSTIN LONG! Yes, the Macintosh guy. I have no problem with him personally, but is this the best direction? Really? Let me tell you what this means, this means that a) they are trying to court the young adult crowd, namely teenage girls, forgetting that what made these movies such huge successes is that they were hardcore, intelligent, adult action movies. And b) Tragically, I think this means they're going to be shooting for a PG-13 rating. And they can get away with it too, because Bruce can say "Yippee-ki-yay motherfucker" and still slide in under the R. The PG-13 is not confirmed, but I just don't want to live in a world where John McClane can't cuss. I saw the edited cut of Die Hard 2 on CBS, I know how diastrous it can be. ("Yipee-ki-yay MISTER FALCON").

I'd like to add here that Justin Long will be playing "a teenage computer hacker released from prison to help John McClane save the world."

JOHN MCCLANE DOESN'T NEED FUCKING HELP SAVING THE WORLD! AND HE CERTAINLY DOESN'T NEED IT FROM A TEENAGE COMPUTER HACKER!

Let me guess, is he going to be a wisecracking teenager? And will John McClane at first not respond to his laid-back ways but eventually come around and they'll learn to be friends? Hell, maybe Justin Long's character will have father issues! We know John McClane feels he wasn't a good enough father to his kids. It's perfect! It's all just fucking perfect.

Why not partner him with an adorable black orphan? Or a big slobbery Saint Bernard?

Sound ridiculous? It's not much worse than what's happening with Die Hard 4.

Excuse me...Live Free Or Die Hard.                                  

Gunshot rings out. Pat collapses onto the keyboard.

And...scene.

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