"MOVIE PREVIEWS!!!"

I think all movie previews should end with a character looking up to the sky and screaming the movie's title. Let me clarify, I guess I mean all action movie previews. I don't think we need John Cusack looking to the heavens and screaming "MUST!!  LOVE!!  DOGS!!"  But when I see one of these chopped-up MTV Michael Bay style action movie trailers, a big part of me wants it to end just like that. This works especially well if the movie's title is just one word.

Example:

People dancing, violins playing, "Iceberg right ahead!," people running and jumping, crash, people falling off boat, Billy Zane overracting, dance remix of  Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" kicks in, lights go out on the boat, and then I want DiCrapio to look to the heavens and scream "TITANIC!"

Then boom, the title appears on screen, followed by the release date.

(Is it weird that I actually know the release date of Titanic was December 19th? It was a first date. A prophetic movie choice for that relationship as well. Zing!).

If I made previews, always a dream of mine, they would all follow this template. And it would single-handedly revive the American box office slump.

Example:

Affleck and Liv Tyler playing with animal crackers, ominous shot of the sky, Bruce Willis putting together a ragtag bunch of misfits, people flying around in space, a lot of screaming and flames, dance remix of Aerosmith's "Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" kicks in, lights go out on the space ship, Bruce Willis puts both hands on his head, looks up and screams "ARMAGEDDON!"

Title appears, release date, movie makes 800 million.

Try this the next time you watch a preview for an action movie, scream the movie's title overdramatically at the end of it and you'll enjoy the preview more every time.

NOTE: This does not work for sequels. Obviously if Tom Cruise were to look to the heavens and scream "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THREE!" that would just be ridiculous.

I don't know what the box office for the upcoming Poseidon will be, but if they want to, oh, sextuple it, they will listen to me and recut the trailer with Kurt Russell ripping his wet shirt open and screaming "PO-SEI-DON!"

Saw Poseidon last night by the way. Woof! It was reasonably effective as long as people weren't talking to each other. Why is it impossible for screenwriters to write both action and good dialogue? Is that just too hard? Whoever wrote this thing probably pocketed two million bucks. Why not get somebody who has actually listened to people speak before? And who can effectively recreate the sound of people speaking? The "exposition" lasts about four minutes, and it is unbearable. I bet there was another half hour of "character development" and "dialogue" but test audiences laughed too hard. The movie's only about 90 minutes.

Kurt Russell is always good, Richard Dreyfuss was weird, Emmy Rossum should be a model for Target ads, not an actress in big budget movies, and how did Josh Lucas get famous? He just scowls right? What's the appeal? Most embarassingly, there is a horrendously awkward "performance" by Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. She manages not to piss herself for once, but she's a terrible actress and she looks like one of God's little jokes, an insanely perfect body with a bulldog's face.

Also disturbing is the fact that everyone in the film who is a minority is dead within the first half hour, floating to the bottom of the water while the rich white people get out safe and sound. Did George Bush write this thing?

Hi-yo! Little political humor there for you.

If people remember the original Poseidon Adventure at all, they remember Shelley Winters. The remake removes that character entirely. Why not have Kathy Bates play her part this time around?

The action was pretty good, I suppose, but if you ask me all underwater suspense movies pale in comparison to The Abyss, which is awesome right up until the overwhelmingly retarded ending. The Abyss gets an A, (although the preview should have ended with Ed Harris screaming "ABYSSSSSS!"), Poseidon gets a D+. I'm also going to give it some possible review titles. Watch for these in Friday's papers and magazines, because I guarantee they're coming.

"Poseidon Is All Wet!"

"Poseidon Is A Disaster!"

"Will Poseidon Be Any Good? Don't Hold Your Breath!"

"Poseidon Is No Pleasure Cruise!"

"Imperfect Storm!"

"Don't Sea Poseidon!"

"Water They Thinking Making A Movie This Fucking Stupid?"

Thank you.

tags: movies  movie previews  poseidon  

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