Poop: Published

Hello friends,

Today I get to take a little break from posting and direct you to my first published work: the newly expanded and revised "Fecal Matters." For those not cool enough to have read this blog from day one, I have posted on a wide variety of subjects, but the post that garnered the most praise, acclaim, and discussion...was about pooping. A timeline:

August 8, 2005: The world sucks.

August 9, 2005: "Fecal Matters" appears on this very website.

August 10, 2005: The world is awesome.

By all accounts the most important document to hit the literary world since The Bible, "Fecal Matters" was a work so teeming with love and laughter, life and truth, that many assumed it had been ghost written by Jesus Christ himself. I am hear to tell you, friends, that while his words certainly influenced what burst forth from my fevered mind that day, the poetry and the prose was pure Patrick. (Alliteration).

I was approached by all of the major literary publications, Time, Newsweek, Juggs. I turned them all down. All the while the print world buzzed: who would publish this work? Surely he won't go on living in obscurity like some modern day Salinger? At last I am ready to share my mad genius with the world. I have opted to go with a slightly smaller publication: www.voidmagazine.com. Go to the site and on the left you will find my newly expanded "Fecal Matters" essay under the heading "Everyone Poops." In a day or two, a profile on me, by me, will hit the "Writers" section on the site. While there, feel free to read the works of other writers, and also feel free to dub them wildly inferior to mine.

I should also tell you that shortly after the essay was published on the site, the phone began to ring as if possessed. I have sold the rights to my life story to both Warner Brothers Pictures and the A&E network. It seems Warner Brothers wants to move ahead ASAP with a three hour Schindler's List-type project they are calling Walsh: Shadowdancer. I will be played by Morgan Freeman and my girlfriends by Jessicas Alba and Biel. 

A&E have promised a nightly retrospective on their program Biography. In an unprecedented move for the network, they will showcase an individual hour-long Biography for each of my 24 years on Earth on consecutive nights. Patrick Walsh: The First Five Years will air Christmas week, in the hopes of bringing families together. The deal in the contract we hammered out is that my life would be treated just like any other major historical event. One eager exec told me "Your story makes World War II look like a Sunday night game of "Monopoly." Another exec corrected him saying, "Wouldn't it have made more sense to use the game "Risk" in your comparison seeing as it is about warfare?" That exec was shot in the face by a third exec who I didn't even see sitting there. These boys are serious.

So tell everyone you knew me "when." Head over to www.voidmagazine.com and read my work before my life story becomes the stuff of bedtime stories and folk songs, and I become too famous, drunk, and pussy-drenched to speak to any of you. 

Thank you.

tags: greatest hits  poop  

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