Wanted: Sex and Love

This is the longest I've ever gone without posting, and I apologize. Had friends in town, went to San Diego and Tijuana, got strep throat, moved into a new apartment, spent a week in Las Vegas, was a juror in the CineVegas film festival, fixed a washing machine with my bare hands, had a series of career developments, and did another master cleanse (seriously!). I've been busy. But I'm back, and I'm building up to a very special multi-week series of posts to celebrate the site's three year anniversary in July. Are we cool? Thanks. Let me play catch-up on some reviews...

SEX AND THE CITY (B)

When I first moved to Manhattan, I watched every episode of Sex and the City on demand, and it wound up being a pretty good introduction to New York. I learned where places were, I learned that the women can be picky and extremely difficult, and I learned that there is no problem that can't be solved with a lengthy shopping montage.

I didn't laugh out loud once in the entire run of the show, but there is something oddly addictive about it. It's like listening in on all the conversations you pray your girlfriend doesn't have. And the characters are certainly sharper, truer, better written than those on say, Entourage, which is often referred to -- unfairly, I think -- as its male counterpart.

And those excellent characters are taken to pretty dark places in the movie, which feels right. They're older, the stakes are higher. The things that were once annoying about the show -- the squealing and giggling, the clunky dialogue (I recall something about a "Mexicoma" here), the insistence on wearing the most ridiculous clothing imaginable (What was going on with that wedding dress? She had a damn bird on her head!) -- is all here too, but the women have gotten refreshingly less self-absorbed and brittle. I also like that three of the women have wound up with rather homely guys -- Miranda's nerdy and lisping husband, Charlotte's bald and paunchy husband, and Carrie's Mr. Big -- who has gotten delightfully fat. See girls! All that time you spend running around with pretty-boy douchebags, when true love is just a lowering of physical standards away!

By the way, before you make fun of me, I am well aware that there is not much I could have done on a Tuesday afternoon more gay than going to the Sex and the City movie. I can think of only three:

1) Gotten into a heated argument about whether Judy Garland is a bigger talent than Liza Minnelli 

2) Taken a bubble bath with Nathan Lane and Bruce Vilanch

3) Gargled semen 

Oh well. I saw it. I really liked it. Bring me the assless chaps!

THE LOVE GURU (D-) 

See the facial expressions on Jessica Alba and the Indian gentleman? You'll look about the same watching this movie.  

Wow. Just...wow. I was actually getting fed up with how harsh everyone was being on Mike Myers -- easily one of the funniest performers to ever pass through Saturday Night Live. Surely The Love Guru couldn't be that bad, and even if it was -- give the guy a break! He was Wayne Campbell! Dr. Evil!

But oh sweet merciful Jesus, I was not prepared for the stench this thing gives off. The Guru Pitka is the worst character Myers has ever done, and I'm even including one-off SNL sketches. The character is obnoxious beyond belief, and worse, doesn't even make sense. Why is a guru who is promoting love and peace so violent, so intolerant, so crude? Pitka punches people left and right, calls a character gay as an insult, makes about 12,000 jokes about cocks and balls...it doesn't add up. What made Dr. Evil such a flawless comic creation is that he was a fully formed, expertly crafted, consistent character, with very clear motives, desires, and actions. What the hell does the Guru Pitka want? Why does he act differently in every scene? And how did anyone involved think this tired-ass schtick was funny? Myers seems to be the only one laughing, and the dude laughs at every one of his own jokes! It's desperate, needy, sad.

Alba retains her stranglehold on the "Worst Hollywood Actress" honor, Justin Timberlake is fairly embarrassing (which still lets him come off better than everyone else here) as a guy with a huge dick (that's about it in terms of character development there), and poor Romany Malco isn't given a single joke. If you can't wring laughs out of Stephen Colbert and Jim Gaffigan as sportscasters, it's time to rethink the project.

Terrible. 

WANTED (B+)

Wanted is beyond stupid, let's get that out of the way right up front. Would you believe it is about a 1,000 year-old legion of assassins who get their killing instructions from...an ancient sewing loom!?!? Well...it is. And somewhere in Hollywood, someone said "I love it!"

But it really doesn't matter, because Wanted contains some of the most balls-out, go-for-broke action I've seen since the glorious R-Rated Schwarzenegger/Stallone/and to a lesser extent, Van Damme days of the 80's and 90's. Director Timur Bekmambetov (an Irishman, I believe) understands what so few action directors these days do: get to the fucking action, and do it up big-style! This thing is absolutely packed with scenes that make you laugh out loud, simply because you can't believe they went there. 

There's a scene early on where James McAvoy (really terrific here) loses his temper at his office job and clobbers a co-worker in the face with his computer keyboard. Letter keys fly off of the keyboard and freeze in mid-air, spelling out the words "FUCK YOU," with the second "U" represented by a bloody tooth. At this point, you will either fold your arms and start bitching about how the movie has believability issues, or you will laugh your ass off, throw your fist in the air, and sit up in your seat, hungry for more. I did the latter, and I had an amazing time throughout. 

Oh, and to answer your question, you only see Jolie's butt. Not even a side boob. The woman is a mother now, and the days of Gia - style nudity appear to be long gone. Light a candle, gentlemen. 

tags: sex and the city  love guru  mike myers  jessica alba  justin timberlake  wanted  angelina jolie  james mcavoy  

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