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You Win Again, Las Vegas
As the inexplicably famous Ashton Kutcher and the donkey-laughed Cameron Diaz will tell you, what happens in Vegas should stay there, but I feel a few events from this weekend's impromptu, spur-of-the-moment, seemed-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time trip deserve to be shared.
1) Friday night. Following hours of drinking broken up by drinking, side drinking, road drinking, Dairy Queen parking lot drinking, and further drinking, my friends and I found ourselves...drinking at The Hotel at Mandalay Bay, one of the Strip's most elegant five-star offerings. I excused myself to use the restroom.
An hour later, I WOKE UP ON THE TOILET. Yeah. Fell asleep. On a toilet. At a five-star hotel. I am 27 years old.
In my defense, the restrooms there are highly luxurious.
I then...
2) Woke up and walked several miles back to my hotel, where I was approached at 5AM in the lobby by two beautiful women who seemed far too good to be true. I flirted with them for a moment, and then the taller of the two leaned in and whispered "So what do you want to do, honey?" Turns out she was indeed too good to be true. If your definition of "too good to be true" is "a whore."
Hilariously, a discussion with my friends the next morning revealed that they had also been propositioned by a (different) whore, but the courtship was intercepted when one of the friends vomited in the bar. This news made me a lot less embarrassed about my toilet nap.
3) Saturday morning. Despite being surrounded by gorgeous, impressively-jugged women at the pool, I found myself hung over and soaking in the hot tub with a morbidly obese 60 year-old woman.
ME: What brings you to Las Vegas?
MORBIDLY OBESE WOMAN: I'm here for my son's wedding. He's the last of my kids to get married.
ME: That's terrific! Congratulations!
MORBIDLY OBESE WOMAN: Hmph. Not really.
ME: I'm sorry?
MORBIDLY OBESE WOMAN: I don't like her. He's making a terrible mistake. All of my other children married well, but he has really picked a loser.
ME: Oh. Oh my God.
MORBIDLY OBESE WOMAN: He'll find out soon enough. Mark my words, he'll find out. I'll be going to another one of his weddings before it's all over. Mark my words.
ME: (Awkwardly collecting my towel and flip-flops) Hey, have a good time tonight!
Hindsight being 20/20, I should not have made out with her.
4) Saturday evening prior to going out. While completely out of our minds in our hotel room, one of the aforementioned friends and I wrote lyrics and composed music for a soon-to-be-Tony-Award-winning musical entitled Dos Coronas Para Mi. The title song, "Dos Coronas Para Mi, Tres Coronas Para Tu," is an utter showstopper, and the other offerings ("Pass the Guacamole," "Luis' Lament" and "Bastardos!" to name but a few) will become standards, guaranteed. Mentally, we weren't all there, but the haunting melodies lingered in our minds and hearts the following morning.
Below is a scene to whet your appetite. The main characters are the young, star-crossed lovers Jorge and Maria, and the haggard, balding, tequila-swigging villain, Luis. (Cheech Marin, call your agent now.) The following should be sung with great gusto.
JORGE: Dos Coronas...para mi! Y tres Coronas...para tu!
MARIA: Esta nothing I can do...
JORGE & MARIA: But love you!
LUIS: Mas Coronas...para mi. Porque love has passed me by! Mas burritos, por favor. Me don't want to live...no more!
VILLAGERS: He don't want to live no more!
Johnny Broadway, clear us a space.
This is some solid Walsh.
Amen to what RØB said--this is the kind of stuff that makes Patrick Walsh's
blog great.
It is tres coronas para "ti" not "tu" you might want to adjust your rhyme
and put Luis in the spot of Maria. He could say, "Esta nothing I can be...
(Luis looks over at Jorge and Maria making out) but so un-happ-y
(weeping)." And don't give me that crap about how it's part of the joke.
If these are actual Mexicans they know that it's ti not tu. Their mixing
in Spanish with English makes sense but the Spanish should be grammatically
correct and the English broken. I thought you were a writer.
Long time reader, first time commenter. I have sent this around to everyone
in my office, inappropriateness be damned. The bit with the musical might
be my favorite thing you ever wrote. The title "Luis' Lament" in particular
is kind of genius. I hope commenter 4 is joking.