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Porn Again
Little update on the sperm bank business. After two tests, I learned that my boys can indeed swim. However, the clinic is currently overbooked, and I'm on a wait list. Yes, I am on a wait list to spooge in a cup. Top of the world, ma!
So since for the time being I'm free to, ahem, come and go as I please, I've stuck to my regular self-pleasure habits. I'm in a long distance relationship (you know, like a real relationship, but without all that annoying sex getting in the way), and thus I watch a lot of porn. A lot.
The internet had rendered my need for actual porn videos and DVDs pretty much obsolete. With such vast possibilities online, what's the point of leaving the house? Well, the trouble with the net is that for the most part, you only get 15 second clips. Usually, I find a clip that moves me, align the cursor with the play button, commence gratification, and then tap the space bar with my wrist each time the clip ends, starting the scene over. Trouble is, there's only so many times you can watch the same ass bounce before it gets a little tedious. So I find myself exploring the net again, and in doing so, backing down from the "edge of climax" state. It is not unusual to realize a full hour has passed and I still haven't finished the deed. It's sad, really. It's really sad.
The other night (OK, it was Christmas Eve. Sorry JC.), I decided to treat myself and rent an actual full-length video for the first time in a long while.
A video is like having a full course meal after years of tic-tacs. The scenes are long, and you can mimic the experience of actually having sex. For example, when the scene begins (usually with a man asking a woman to get into a van), I'll start seducing myself. A tug here, a rub there. When he gets her back to his place...or a warehouse...and the foreplay begins, I'll take 'er out. During the oral portion, I'll start getting a little more intense. During the sex I'm pumping like Helen Keller, and usually I'll try to time my climax with the couple onscreen. It makes the jerker feel less alone.
Until the scene ends, and he finds himself in the dark, looking around for a paper towel. Or failing that, a bank statement.
There are several video stores around my house and each features an extensive "Adult" section. Throughout my life, every time I've been in one of these places I have felt embarassed, even though I know countless men have passed through the doors and it shouldn't be a big deal. I just always remember this creepy 60-year-old toad-looking man who used to come into Blockbuster when I worked there.
(Blockbuster, for all their censorship, carried an extensive amount of soft-core porn, movies with titles like Hotel Erotica and Breast of the Best 2, movies in which the girl rides the guy and covers her vagina with her hand. Seriously, isn't there a better way of handling the cover-up? It's like these movies where the girl dismounts the guy after sex and she's got underwear on. What, does she have a dick-shaped hole in them?).
Anyhoo, this creepy old man with the worst comb over I've seen would always shuffle up to the counter, eyes averted, and rent one New Release soft-core and one older soft-core video. This earned him the nickname "One Old Porn, One New Porn." I realize this isn't exactly clever, but we laughed every time. Looking through his account was always hilarious, and we did it often. Every time I go into an adult store, I feel like this man.
Here are the other thoughts I always have when I enter the adult section:
1) Why do they always have saloon-style doors, the kind you feel like you should kick open and enter with guns blazing?
2) How many guys have touched these boxes with their disgusting hands? Do they jerk off and immediately eject the tapes? Is there a hand-washing in there somewhere? And do I really care? And shouldn't I care?
3) I guess I better rent a few normal movies to make this less awkward at the counter.
I had all three thoughts the other night, and in fact I rented both Miami Vice and Beerfest to hide my shame. In the past, I have always tried to rent pornos with non-embarassing titles, something like Unchained or Rendezvous. Trouble is, they don't make pornos with subtle titles anymore.
I wound up renting Here's Looking At Goo, Kid. Seriously. I'll show you the receipt.
It was pretty good, one of those six hour Vivid Videos, where there is no story, just an endless string of scenes featuring different actors and actresses. I like the variety, so I prefer these to something where Jenna Jameson might have sex with three different women and three different guys, all while trying to solve a rather poorly written mystery in a rain coat. Cut to the chase, I say. Vivid is best at these anthology videos, and Vivid also doesn't allow for unattractive people, so you never find yourself looking up Ron Jeremy's hairy asshole at the worst possible moment.
When it comes to porn, it is obviously about the girl, but I defy anyone to watch and enjoy a porno where the guy is hideous, fat, and/or greasy. It can't be done. Doesn't mean you're gay, but better to have chiseled abs and an 8-incher looking at you than the obese moustachioed porn stars of yesteryear.
My porn tastes are diverse and wide-ranging, but I tend to favor three-ways (FFM or MMF, I'm not picky), party scenes, pool scenes, college scenes, and public scenes. Two girls and a feather duster will work for me if there is no other option, but I tend to like things a little harder.
There is some stuff out there that is genuinely appalling. I've stumbled upon things online that ran my blood cold, and that takes a lot. As a rule, I hate it any time the girl appears to be in pain or is crying. I hate ball gags, leather, chains, and especially masks. I hate it when the girl looks like she's six. I really hate any time the guy is screaming "YEAH! SUCK IT BITCH!" and I don't like scenes where the girl appears to be coked out and half-asleep. (That last one rules out a lot of material).
For the beginner, maybe there's a 12-year old reading this somewhere, let me recommend some great sites: dansmovies, magicmovies, pornotube, and xtube. (Obviously you'll need to add the dot-com, I didn't think having clickable links to porn sites on a blog most people read at work would be a good idea).
I'm always amazed I've never seen anyone I know in porn. I've logged thousands of hours of erotica, and never once? The closest I came was seeing a girl I knew from high school on MTV's True Life. She was pregnant and stripping to pay the bills. A buddy of mine knew a girl that appeared in a Girls Gone Wild. That's even better. I just want to be online one night and stumble upon some a video of some high school cheerleader I used to lust after getting stuffed in a French restaurant while wearing a chef's hat. Is that so wrong?
I'm rambling, and if you read the comments yesterday you know how important it is to stick to "theme" and "tone," so, in conclusion, let me state my thesis: Me love porno.
Only for you would I risk having a blog called "Porn Again" up on my desk
at work. I related to far too much of this.
I love this. I have a feeling that, because of "Job", assessing the theme
and tone of your posts is going to become a running gag in the comments
section. Which is hilarious, because your posts can usually be broken up
into one of four categories: Jerkin' It, I Was Drinking Last Night, Shit I
Like And How Much I Like It and The World Is Fucking With Me Again.
Nothing to be ashamed of, by the way, you could break up a lot of
Hemingway's works into the same four categories.
"...and the foreplay begins, I'll take 'er out."
Was I just compared to Kinsey and Ernest Hemingway in regards to a jacking
off blog? Awesome.
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=117023491&b
logID=218966395&MyToken=36b97cf1-b696-4eb4-b647-c7fb69cade7a
Patrick,
Once the girlfriend of a friend was in porn, and I knew she was. She did a
few photoshoots and maybe a short movie or two? In any case, I definitely
stumbled upon her more than once online. I quickly navigated away, it was
kind of disturbing. I think part of the charm of masturbation (yes,
masturbation is CHARMING!) is the notion that you don't know the people
involved.
Stephanie,
I never really cared that guys have to JO all the time. I understand. I was
hyper sexual as a child, like 9 and up (probably nothing like pat walsh,
but still). Now, not so much. I watched tons of porn. we had the illegal
cable box and then of course tons of "hidden" VHS tapes but really just
turned away so the strip that says "red shoe diaries" was facing the wall.
i used to have all my girlfriends over and show them these videos and say,
watch what happens next!
Omg, this is too perfect a post! I can't believe you're revealing your
jackoff fantasies & secrets on your blog as well as the male tendency to
rub one out regularly. Ok,ok, I'll fess up. I masturbate several times a
day & watch porn far more often than I probably should. OK, now I've said
it in writing. Are you happy now Pat, lol?
HAHAHAHA...riiiiiight.
My husband travels a lot for work and occasionally I go with him, the last
time we stayed at a Hampton Inn we somehow had adult movies in our room
with no charge. You can imagine our surprise and dismay when looking for
HBO and stumbling across two naked men and a women totally naked and . . .
well I just want to know, where's the music? I would have thought there
would be music but all we heard was breathing and well other sounds, no
music. I still swear this was a live feed from another room in the motel.
:)
Pat I also like the website worldsex, its got lots of porn from all the
websites, give it a try sometime, you might like it.
Yeah Dale is right, ws is pretty good, I've used it before and would
recommend. Two similar compendium sites that draw from many other sites
are al4a (categorized archives for your convenience, like the
aforementioned ws!) and thehun (the first two are dot coms, the third is a
dot net).
Jill,
Sounds like you'll have MORE sex (with a female) if you get married!
Hey Pat,
I'm pushing for you to get off the bench of the porn/fluid in a cup sport.
Go Team PW! LMAO: "Probably doesn't look good comparing my dong to a woman,
but to cover it up I'll say both are beautiful, sensitive, and both get all
soft when marriage is discussed." Awwwwe, snap.
Scribe
www.scribela.blogspot.com
Just following up on Lisa Chaos' post, the most common thing now with
regards to porn music (this is bottom of the barrel, Cinemax-style porn,
mind you), is for some to take a 1997 Casio keyboard, set the synthesizer
to "flute", pick a random chord every few seconds, and just go nuts.
Example:
One more thing: Pat, the fact that the sperm bank in L.A. has a waiting
list has to remind you of Ron Livingston in Swingers.
any thoughts about right-clicking, then select save-target-as, and
downloading the clip. then you can line up 10 clips or so, and let it play
on repeat.
Indeed.