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FOR SALE: 1997 SATURN, LIGHTLY USED
1997 Saturn - Two Door Sports Coupe
Green in color
FEATURES:
- AM/FM/CD Stereo - One of the four speakers is always working. Every few minutes that working speaker will change. Also, when you least expect it, you'll get an extreme blast of sound from a speaker you thought no longer functional. This will be horrifying if you are alone, but particularly scary for passengers.
- Air Conditioner - Blows punishingly hot air that smells like an open grave.
- License plates - Let's say it has 1/2 the license plates a car should have.
- Driver's Side View Mirror - Hanging off by a grouping of wires. Re-attached bi-weekly using JB-Weld Tractor Glue. ***Two tubes of JB-Weld will be included with purchase.
- Passenger Window - Does not open, not even slightly. This is only a problem when it is hot, a rarity in Los Angeles.
- Driver's Side Door - Can only be unlocked by going through the passenger side. This will make girls think you are a gentleman and guys think you are gay.
- Trunk - Can only be opened by bending the key in the lock to the point where it nearly snaps.
- "Service Engine Soon" Light - Permanently shining, like a reassuring old friend.
- Engine - Recently inspected by a licensed mechanic, who whistled and say "Hoo boy. I can't fix this. This is out of my league, man." Apparently it has "extremely major compression issues."
- Vehicle smokes so much that a homeless man at a bus stop screamed at me yesterday "Get outta here with that shit! Makin' me cough and shit!"
- Vehicle makes so much noise that other cars with windows rolled up will look at you in horror at each stop light. Luckily, you will not notice these looks, because:
- The car dies every time you come to a stop. Again, not really a problem because there is no traffic in Los Angeles. Yesterday, it died roughly 60 times on the way home from work, and I eventually had to coast its lifeless corpse into my parking garage while it made noises akin to a bulldozer raping a dump truck.
Asking price: A ham sandwich, or best offer.
This is a comic strip that Matt Groening did back in 1982, a few years
after moving to L.A.. My guess is that he was having a very similar
experience to yours.
Have you tried Liquid Nails on that mirror?
Also, that LIFE IN HELL comic reminds me of L.A. STORY.
Jackson,
Liquid nails is a glue product that performs exactly as its name suggests;
super-strong when it dries, to the point of virtual unbreakability. You
need a chaulking gun (like $3 at Wal-Mart or the like?), the stuff is like
99¢ for a huge tube and I think it'd work better than the JB Weld.
My car has the same driver side door feature. Jason and I went out for
dinner and a movie the other night. The movie ends, we walk out to the car
and I have to open the door for him. Major-league Gay.
While somebody could have interprated all these problems by saying the car
"has a lot of character," it'd probably be more like "this car is a mental
deficent character, with a serrated knife for a penis."
Yeah, about that night Kemper, while I was swept off my feet by your
chivalry, I have to explain to you ONCE AGAIN that I don't swing that way.
I mean, I've tried, Lord knows I've tried... but it's just not in me.
Brown,