How the Today Show Ruined My Morning

A typical morning for me goes something like this.

1)  Alarm goes off.  Through bleary eyes, I try to distinguish between the dangerously close "snooze" and "off" buttons, and ideally select "snooze."  Seven or eight times.

2)  When I absolutely have to get up, arise, look at the clock, say "fuck," splash some water on my face, get dressed, brush teeth.

3)  Run/walk to subway while trying to keep ass sweat from accumulating at the bottom of my boxers before I even make it to work. 

4)  Settle in at desk, 10 to 15 minutes late, for a day of adventure, excitement, and arranging lunches and vacations that I will not be invited to go on.

This morning was a little different.  Instead of getting out of bed at 8:15 and running like crazy, I awoke at 7:30.  Fully rested, and with a smile in my heart.  I was able to enjoy an early morning jerk session, something I usually only have time for on the weekend.  This was no rush job, either.  I treated myself the way I deserve to be treated.  I treated myself like a lady.

Now the morning was looking even better.  I got up, whistled my way into the living room, did two sets of 25 pushups (hello, ladies!) and some situps and sat down on the couch to enjoy a banana and some peanut butter.   Normally, I kick on some music in the morning to get me going, but since I had time, I thought I'd spend my morning with some people who would be just as happy as me:  The always reliable, always chipper staff of the Today Show.   Big.  Mistake.

Here is a list of things I expected to see on the Today Show, things to make me smile and kick off my day:

1)  Al Roker.  Doing anything, I don't care.  The man makes me happy.  Bonus points if he was doing anything along the lines of cooking a giant omelette, flirting with a 75 year old woman, or wearing a comical outfit/hat.  

2) Matt Lauer and Katie Couric sitting uneasily side by side, throwing off waves of that queasy mix of bitter hatred and sexual chemistry that only those two can.

3) Bryan Adams or a comparable has-been performing on the Today Show Good Time Toyota Yahoo General Mills Concert Series, while 40 year old housewives get their fanny packs wet and hold up signs that say "EVERYTHING I DO I DO IT FOR YOU!" AND "IT'S SUMMER, LET'S 69!"

4) Literally anything else but what I saw.

Let's recap here:  Wake up on time feeling refreshed, bring myself to positively glorious orgasm, pushups and situps, banana and peanut butter....so far so good.  Friends, let me just tell you what the Today Show had in store for me.

I flip on the TV and am immediately thrust into a report on dead children.  Dead children!  Not like Somalian dead children either, where you're like, "God, that sucks but does anyone live past 14 in Somalia?"  These were cute little healthy looking children, 2 or 3 years old.  The story was about how taking pictures of your children before they die can make it easier to bear!  This photographer talked about how difficult it is to take snapshots of these kids, knowing full well they'll be gone soon and all the family will have left is the pictures!  Everyone interviewed was crying!  They kept cutting to pictures of adorable little children making adorable little faces and then the voiceover would say something like:

"Little Molly Jacobs...beautiful...affectionate........dead." 

Today Show, you son of a bitch!  8AM?  On a Friday?  Before a weekend of good times and partying?  You're gonna throw dead children in my face?  Fuck you, Today Show.  Fuck you hard and unsatisfactorily.

tags: greatest hits  tv  television  

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