Pissin' Impossible

So I recently got a slight promotion at work and with it came a drug test. I had no worries about the drug content of my urine. The only drug I have ever experimented with is marijuana and I have done very small amounts each time, maybe five times total, all in the past.

What I was concerned about was the urine test. Since I was a little kid, I have had a big problem going to the bathroom in public. Now, if no one else is in the restroom I'm fine, but as soon as that door opens I might as well have prostate cancer. Nothing. And I don't know what causes it. I realize I'm not the only one with "stage fright," and I know it's a mental thing, but why can't I overcome it? I would have no problem taking my penis out of my pants and showing it to a roomful of people, that's not the issue. I don't care who sees the thing, I love it!

So what is the issue? I suppose I could look online for answers, but that seems like a lot of work, and will surely bring up pictures of golden showers on my work computer.

Anyhoo, I went down to the medical center, I stood in the bathroom with the nurse, we filled out the paperwork, I checked seals and signed off on things. She shut off the water in the sink, and disabled the flush sensors. She also put a bunch of blue food coloring in the toilet. These precautions seemed a bit over the top, and I was distraught because my only saving grace when I can't pee is to turn on the water in the sink. To make matters worse, the nurse stood right outside the door and talked to me the entire time.

"How's it going, Patrick?" "Everything OK in there, Patrick?" "Patrick, I need the urine sample within four minutes or the temperature will be off!"

Hey, maybe I'd be able to go if you'd shut the fuck up!

People talking in my backswing is gonna make it impossible every time, and she would not stop. I sensed her right outside the door, waiting, hoping...defeated, I had to give up.

"Don't worry, it happens to a lot of people," she said, like I had trouble getting an erection or something. "Go walk around, drink some water and come back."

I did, I went into a little room, drank about 8 gallons of water and four cups of coffee while watching "Maury," a show that only gets better with age. Believe it or not, today's episode involved some paternity testing!

So I feel like I'm ready to fire, I grab the nurse, the same deal again, I have to fill out new paperwork, sign off on everything again, a huge hassle. She leaves, and within ten seconds she's flapping her mouth again!

"Patrick, does it look like you'll be able to go this time?"

"Could you please stop talking?" I asked meekly.

"OK, no problem. It's just that we really need the sample within four minutes!"

And that was it. Strike 2. I walked out defeated. She sent me for another walk. I went back upstairs to my desk, did some work for about ten minutes, and then...great googly moogly! The dam burst. It became abundantly clear that if I did not get to a restroom in the next oh, three minutes, I was going to either piss myself or die. I ran from my desk back down to the medical center, threw open the door, all shame and pride had vanished.

ME: Excuse me, I need the nurse right away!

RECEPTIONIST: OK son, what seems to be the problem?

ME: Oh, nothing, I'm just here for my drug test!

RECEPTIONIST: Oh, OK, well just take a seat, she'll be with you in a  moment.

ME: No, no, I really need to go now. Please get her now. It's an emergency!

RECEPTIONIST: Oh. Oh, OK. What did she look like?

ME: ASIAN! SHE'S ASIAN! SHORT AND ASIAN! PLEASE JUST GET HER!

RECEPTIONIST: Was it Linda?

ME: I'm going to go in the bathroom, please just send someone in!!!!

I ran to the bathroom, hand on my penis like a kid. Once there, I just bounced up and down until she came in, all calmly, with a third batch of paperwork.

NURSE: OK--

ME: Please let me fill that out after, I have to go now! I have to go now!

NURSE: We have to have you fill this out and approve--

I just took the pen from her and started signing, and then I all but shoved her out. Before the door was shut I had my cock in my hand. I leapt for the toilet, braced myself on the sink, and a glorious sparkling stream burst forth. Good God, how I peed. Within seconds, I was well over the cutoff line on the cup. I set it on the sink and continued the flow in the toilet, my legs shaking, my heart racing.

Then I realized I had a whole new problem

NURSE: Patrick? I need the specimen within four minutes, OK?

ME: (still peeing) Um, what time am I at?

NURSE: You're over 2.

ME: OK, I'm almost done.

But I wasn't! It just kept coming. Then I thought about all I had drank that morning, several glasses between each pee attempt, for a combined total of what certainly would have filled one of those dentist office water jugs, the ones with the triangle cups. Plus all the coffee... It wasn't looking good.

NURSE: Patrick, are you finished?

She must have thought I was jerking off or using a Whizzinator or some other drug filtering device. I did what I had to do. I cut it off. Not my dick, the stream of urine. This is incredibly painful, especially when you're so far along and there is so much left to go. I handed her the brimming specimen, we filled out some more paperwork, the whole time my kidneys screaming and twisting in agony.

NURSE: Do you have any in the bowl you need to flush?

ME: I'm actually not done going.

NURSE: Oh. Oh my. OK. Well, can you see yourself out?

ME: Yes.

NURSE: (looking at me like I'm insane) OK, well...I'll leave you alone.

And then I let loose with the remainder and emerged from the bathroom weary, but stronger in so many ways. And all this time all I had to do to overcome my fear of going in public was simply drink a small swimming pool's worth of liquids!

Take my advice friends, otherwise....urine trouble.

tags: best of the blog  work  

links: digg this    del.icio.us    technorati    reddit