Patrick Walsh: St. Patrick's Day 2004

After the pinata incident and the Valentine's disaster, my star was shining a lot less brightly at work. Sure, there were some people in my age group who respected me and spoke of my insubordination in awed, hushed tones, but the powers that be were unimpressed with my lack of "team spirit." That was why when I was approached about the St. Patrick's Day bulletin board that fateful Monday morning, I thought it must be some sort of trap. 

MARK: Hey, Patrick. Big weekend hanging out with movie stars? 

(In all the temp jobs I've had, theres been one constant. As soon as I mention that I'm trying to get into entertainment, I get all kinds of comments like "Oh, Patty Hollywood's coming!" and "Hey, Steven Spielberg call you yet?" Everyone thinks they are the first to make these remarks, and everyone thinks they are very funny. In my current temp assignment, I always get "Hey, did you have a big crazy Hollywood weekend?" I always answer in the affirmative, even though my weekends generally consist of postponing laundry and masturbating to MTV's spring break coverage - a tradition that has been going on for nearly fifteen years).

ME: You know it!

MARK: Listen, St. Patrick's Day is coming up, and we're going to need a new bulletin board. I was wondering if you might be interested in doing it for us.

ME: What? Really?

MARK: Yes. Management has noticed you don't seem thrilled to be working here, you don't seem challenged, and that's OK. But in order to make the job more pleasurable, we thought you might like to put some of your creativity to work for us.

ME: Well, thanks. I'm flattered.

MARK: And with your name I'm guessing you're Irish, right?

ME: Yes, sir.

MARK: Great. Well, listen, get some petty cash from Carol, head down to the Duane Reade, get whatever you need, and see what you can come up with.

I had gotten so sick of answering the phones at work, this seemed like an incredible opportunity to get out of it. I couldn't pass it up.

ME: Mark? How much time do I have to work on this?

MARK: Um...you know, as long as it takes, I guess.

ME: I'm gonna need like a couple days.

MARK: A couple days?

ME: Yeah, like today and tomorrow. You might want to get someone to cover my phones. I'm not going to be able to do both.

MARK: Really?

ME: If you want it to be good, sir.

MARK: Alright, I'll see what I can do.

ME: And since I'll be gluing and stuff, is it cool if I wear jeans to work?

We didn't even have "casual Fridays" so I was really pushing it here.

MARK: I'll get back to you on that.

To my disbelief, I was given two days off of the phones and I was allowed to come to work in normal clothes. People in the office marvelled at my ability to bullshit. Carol wasn't as wowed.

ME: Hey, Carol. Mark told me to get some cash from you.

CAROL: Oh really? For what?

ME: I'm doing the new bulletin board.

This information hit Carol pretty hard. 

CAROL: Did he tell you that?

ME: Yup.

CAROL: But I always do the bulletin board.

ME: I guess not this month. Could I get that cash?

CAROL: I had ideas and everything.

ME: I don't know, Carol. He asked me.

CAROL: Well, how much do you need?

ME: A hundred?

CAROL: Dollars?

ME: Yeah. I want to make it really good.

CAROL: I usually spend twenty, tops.

ME: Well, I want mine to look a little nicer.

CAROL: I'll give you forty.

ME: That'll work.

I spent every cent at Duane Reade. Fancy glitters, exotic glues, markers that went well outside of the ROYGBIV basics. I really did want to make this a bulletin board to remember.

For two full days I worked. In fact, the only time in my entire stay at Kaplan I ever worked past quitting time was when I was working on the bulletin board. I crammed tons of jokes into it, pictures, limericks, Irish stories. Nearly every square inch of that board was covered with magic, and any open holes were filled with shamrocks and leprechauns. 

It was a masterpiece. 

I hung it on the wall, and went to catch my bus. For the first time since I'd started there, I was weary from a day's work. 

The next morning I grabbed an orange juice and stopped in front of the board to admire it. I couldn't wait for everyone to come in and check it out. The first to give it a look, naturally, was Carol. I tensed up, expecting the worst, but she let out a big, bubbly laugh.

CAROL: Patrick, this is hilarious!

Even Carol liked it! I couldn't wait to hear the response I got from people with souls!

Mark came in and laughed again and again as he looked it over. He came over and shook my hand.

MARK: Patrick, whether you realize it or not, this is the kind of thing that could really boost morale around here, and make people think they're working at a pretty cool place to be. Thanks, buddy. I appreciate all your hard work. We all do.

I'll admit it. I was proud. All day I answered my calls, but most of my attention was on the board, gauging responses. For the most part, people loved it, but I did notice a strange contingent of people who were not impressed. I heard a couple sighs, saw a few eye-rolls, a groan here and there. I chalked it up to the puns and moved on with my day. But then things got weird. Mark approached my desk and took a knee, always a sure sign that something was amiss.

MARK: Hey, Patrick. Listen, we've had a complaint about the board.

This blew my mind. The uproar following my harmless Valentine's joke was ringing in my ears as I worked on the board, and I made a point of keeping it clean. What could they possibly have a problem with?

MARK: There's a joke someone had an issue with.

One of the bits on the board was a piece of construction paper that said "Famous Irishmen." Below that heading were pictures of Woody Allen, Sitting Bull, and Mr. T. 

MARK: Someone felt that was a little...racist.

ME: Racist? Seriously?

MARK: Yes. People don't like having their heritage played around with.

ME: Well, you saw it earlier, you didn't have a problem with it.

MARK: I'm required to take it down if an employee has a grievance.

ME: Well, I feel horrible. Was this a Jewish person? A black person? I'd be happy to apologize - 

MARK: It was neither.

ME: Wait, what? It was a white person?!

MARK: Yes, Patrick.

ME: Don't you find that odd?

MARK: I can't really discuss it. I'm just taking that one piece down. The rest of the board will remain.

ME: OK. Whatever. And you can't tell me who complained?

MARK: No.

ME: Well, I don't want people thinking I'm a racist.

MARK: I'll be sure to pass that along.

My face was all red and hot. This really pissed me off. If it had been an oversensitive black dude or something, fine, I get that. But this was a white person calling me a racist because of a Mr. T joke on a bulletin board. I went up to the board again to make sure nothing else could be taken the wrong way.

An hour later, Mark was back at my desk.

MARK: Hey, Patrick. Listen, we've had another complaint.

ME: Are you kidding me? From the same person?

MARK: Different person. You had a joke on there about alcoholism?

The board had an old Irish proverb about how fun it is to drink on St. Patrick's Day - something totally innocent.

ME: There was something on there about drinking, but certainly not alcoholism!

MARK: Well, the individual who complained told me she is Irish and didn't care for the stereotype that all Irish people are alcoholics.

ME: WHAT?

MARK: She felt it was a stereotype, and she asked that it be removed.

ME: I'm Irish! It wasn't saying only Irish people like to drink on St. Patrick's Day, it said everyone! Everyone! Oh, I have to know who this was!

MARK: Patrick, just let it go. I removed the article. Just move on.

Mark walked away again, and I was officially steaming. How had I managed to offend two nationalities in an hour? With a holiday-themed bulletin board? 

At this point word had spread about the controversy. Big groups were coming to look at the board, all with harsh critical eyes, eager to find anything even remotely offensive. I remember a large group of black women came up from the HR department just to see it. They weren't even on our floor! They were all whispering amongst themselves and shooting looks my way. You would have thought I was answering phones while wearing a white hood and pointing ominously at a noose. 

Within about ten minutes, Mark came over and told me he was officially taking the board down.

MARK: It's just causing too many problems.

ME: But you approved it! You laughed! This morning, did you find anything even at all offensive about it?

MARK: It's not my opinion that's important, Patrick. I have to respect everyone's wishes.

ME: Carol liked it! Even Carol!

MARK: Patrick. It's got to come down. Would you like to remove it or should I?

ME: I guess you can. Does everyone like hate me now?

MARK: Of course not.

As the day went on, several people, (including, it should be noted, co-workers of all races and faiths) came over and told me how stupid and overblown the whole thing had become. But it still got to me. As I was heading out at the end of the day, Mark called me into his office.

MARK: Patrick, several people have come to your defense today. And between you and me, there was nothing offensive about your board. But as a manager, I have to take these complaints seriously. You understand that?

ME: I understand.

MARK: I'm sorry if you were embarassed today by what went on. No one thinks you're a racist.

ME: Great! Thanks.

MARK: I did want to give you the opportunity to re-do the board.

I actually laughed out loud at this.

ME: I'll pass, Mark. Thanks, though.

MARK: Fair enough. I want you to know you handled this very well.

ME: Thank you.

MARK: How are things looking at NBC?

ME: It's not looking so good. There's supposed to be a second interview, and I feel like I would have heard back by now.

MARK: So you're thinking about staying with Kaplan...permanently?

ME: (lying through my teeth) I guess so.

MARK: Well then, Patrick. I'd like to offer you a promotion. To Student Services.

ME: Wha-?

MARK: It would be a raise of two dollars an hour, you'd receive full benefits. HR can work out the details with you, but it's a nice little promotion. I just need your word that you're with Kaplan for the long haul.

ME: (blinded by cash, totally lying now) Oh, absolutely sir!

MARK: You'll shake on that?

We shook.

MARK: Then I'd like to offer you the position! You start training tomorrow.

And so it was that I was promoted on the same day I alienated my co-workers, had a project I worked on for two days taken down, and was called a racist.

With a spring in my step and a lot of extra cash in my future, I headed into Manhattan to celebrate and beat up some black people. 

tags: work  temp  story of my life  

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