PATRICK WALSH: JANUARY - APRIL 2004

New readers, you can catch up on these "Story Of My Life" postings at the link to your right. Old readers, if you want to refresh your memories, you can read the previous posting here. Basically, I had just been yelled at by my roommate while pantsless with an erection...

So you'd think after the unparalleled awkwardness of that sexual encounter, things would have cooled down between my roommate and me. But in a matter of days I was back knocking at her door with my standard line: "So, ah...you want some company?"

Can you believe that line worked? Every single time?

Eventually, guilt got the best of me, I began to feel pretty sleazy about the whole arrangement, and I confronted her about it in the kitchen. "Look, I really love having sex with you, but I feel that you are getting really emotionally attached, and I totally understand, but that's not where my head's at right now. I'm really depressed and I'd be a terrible boyfriend and we live together and that's weird."

Impressive, right? Well, seconds later, I destroyed the grand moral gesture I had just made, telling her that if she wanted to keep having sex, fine, but she'd have to initiate it. And luckily, she did.

We were really going at it for a few months there, and this was the only area we were in total agreement on. Outside the bedroom, things were just getting more and more tense. We were bickering often, and we started slipping notes under each other's door, always the kiss of death for a roommateship. We were just trying to piss each other off by complaining about all sorts of nitpicky things that were completely unwarranted on both sides.

Actually her note: "Don't cut your hair in the sink anymore," that one was valid.

Each note she gave me, I would take a marker and write "DIDN'T READ THIS" on it, then slip it back under her door. When the nasty thrill I got from that wore off, I would prop her notes up on top of the garbage can, as if on display. I was an asshole.

She gave me shit one night about how we never did anything together except have sex. I told her basically that was fine with me, and that I wasn't looking for a girlfriend. This was cruel, but to be fair, I had said this from the beginning. However, in a rare moment of warmth, I set a little date for us to watch a DVD together. We sat on the couch to watch and about five minutes in, a friend of mine from Missouri called. She was in town visiting and wanted to meet up at a bar. I told her I'd be right there.

I told the roommate I was heading out, and of course I also mentioned I would be seeing a female friend. The roommate maintained a stoic expression, but deep down I knew this was a defining moment. I went out with my friend, had a good time, and came back to a dark house, bedroom door shut tight. Aside from one or two more regrettable sexcapades, including one memorably zesty romp on the couch, that bedroom door and the girl within would remain shut tight for the duration of my stay.

Maybe two weeks later, I stayed in the city at a friend's house one Friday night. I returned home the next morning, busted out some Golden Grahams, and took a seat at the kitchen table. After a few moments of peace, I heard her bedroom door (behind me) squeak open. Then her voice: "Is he there? Oh shit. Go!"

Then the pitter patter of feet. I turned around just in time to catch some shirtless dude run into the bathroom. I was literally sitting a foot from her door, the sneaking was ridiculous, and for some reason really amused me. I began to laugh. Her door slammed shut. When the dude came out of the bathroom, eyes downward, he muttered "Hey."

"What's up?!" I asked cheerfully. "Have fun last night?"

He quickly went into her room, and I remained at that table until they emerged a few minutes later. At this point, I was sitting facing the door with a huge smile on my face. I held eye contact with her all the way out of the house, still smiling, as her and the dude did the walk of shame outside. Sadistic, I know.

When she returned home that night, I was eating Golden Grahams again (for dinner this time), in the same spot at the kitchen table. "Well hello!" I said cheerfully. "How was the fucking?" She stormed right past me and into her bedroom. I couldn't believe it, but I was jealous. I didn't know if I was angrier at her for nailling this other dude or at myself for actually caring.

As I'm sure you've surmised, we were on a one-way trip to Disasterville. I don't remember specific timing, but at some point in all this animosity, we agreed that we needed a refrigerator. Up to this point, we had only had a dorm fridge. I gave her half the money and she bought one.

Naturally, this refrigerator will play a large part in the bitter end of this affair.

tags: new york  

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