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Diamond In The Rough
He rose from the stage like a phoenix, immaculately dressed in a bejeweled black shirt and slacks. The band thundered forth in joyous sound, as he worked the crowd, hips...swiveling, fist...pumping, chest hair...visible. Women who hadn't been aroused since the Carter administration leapt to their feet, leaving a dewy trail behind them. And then...The Voice! The Passion! The Power!
The feel...of Neil.
An incredible show last night, it was like making love to the great American songbook. "America." "Cracklin' Rosie." "Sweet Caroline." "I Am...I Said." "I'm A Believer." "Cherry, Cherry." "You Don't Bring Me Flowers." "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show." "Thank The Lord For The Nighttime." "Shiloh." "Holly Holy." "Forever In Blue Jeans." More.
Neil Diamond, love him or hate him, is a legend. Judging by the comments on yesterday's post, y'all are in severe Denial. Or should I say...DeNeil. The man has been making music for more than 40 years, and he still looks and sounds incredible. He didn't miss a note last night, and his voice didn't crack once. He can still sell out Madison Square Garden three nights in a row and he's not even promoting a new album. (Although he does have one coming out before the end of the year, produced by Rick Rubin, who has produced Beastie Boys, Jay-Z, and Weezer, and who brought out the shockingly dark best in Johnny Cash in those four incredible albums before he died. Should be awesome). He still puts on a hell of a show, and I bet fan or not, you would have known three fourths of the songs performed. They're staples of American pop music. He played for two hours and still I didn't get to hear some favorites like "Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon," "Solitary Man," and "Kentucky Woman."
The evening was marred by only two missteps. The first was the inclusion of a seemingly hour-long "song cycle" inspired by the flight of a seagull. This was accompanied by fooage of...a seagull flying. Neil tried his best to sell it, but the crowd wasn't buying, and by the time he got to screaming "Suh-leeeeep! Suh-leeeep! Sleeeeep!" I was almost ready to oblige. He wisely followed this with "Sweet Caroline," knowing full well he had made a mistake and had to win us back.
The other grievance I must file is on the song "Red, Red Wine." Neil's original version is a bitter and depressing emotional powerhouse. But then in the 80's UB40 grinded it through the cheese factory. (And one thing Neil Diamond does NOT do is cheese, as you all know). Surely you recall UB40's much better known cover, featuring the line: "The lion broke, the monkey get choked, runbla looky mananasee gomma noke!" (I'm paraphrasing). Hell, you probably know that version a lot better than Neil's superior original. So I was thrilled when Neil began the song with a stark, downbeat rendition. But then...what the fuck? The band starts kicking into an embarassing attempt at "funky," and...well, let me collect myself for a moment. Neil began to rap.
Neil began to rap.
I don't recall the lyrics, I was too busy swallowing liter upon liter of vomit, but needless to say it wasn't pretty. I do remember it ended with the line "With UB40, we be number 1!" Shudder. I honestly thought at this time UB40 was going to come out from backstage, shaking tambourines, and finish the song with Neil. This didn't happen. Although it should have, what else does UB40 have to do? They'd probably play your bar mitzvah for 10 bucks and an open bar.
Speaking of bar mitzvahs, my God do the Jewish people love them some Diamond! We stood in the lobby of the Garden, watching what appeared to be that final scene of Schindler's List filter into the arena. All the men looked like Alan Alda, all the women looked like they were trying to look like Barbara Streisand. (Sorry ladies, Barbara doesn't have goiters and a hunchback). It was quite a scene. A lot of gold shawls and sparkly sweaters, a lot of pantsuits and huge sunglasses. The concession stand featured a lot of calls of "Morty! I'm getting a knish and a Coke so I can take my back pill!" Beautiful.
The weirdest point in an evening of weirdosity came during the sensual masterpiece "Play Me." An attractive young (well, young by this crowd's standards, she was 40) woman from the audience approached the edge of the stage, holding what appeared to be an undergarment of some kind. Neil got down on his knees, then went all the way onto his belly, like a snake. He slid across the stage over to her, she stood on her tiptoes and...they made out! You could see it on the jumbotrons! Not just a peck and breakaway like you'd expect, this was about 30 seconds of long, slow kissing, surely with tongue. I SWEAR TO GOD this happened! Incredible. Incredible.
Anyway, thank you Neil Diamond. You brought the songs, you brought the spectacle...but most importantly you brought the heart. That was about as close as I think I'll get to seeing the kind of show Fat Elvis was putting on near the end. And it was glorious. Good times truly never seemed so good.
***Oh, and I just remembered the last time I saw UB40. They were the house band on the ill-fated cruise ship in Speed 2: Cruise Control. Remember that? Man, that movie sucked.
Wait, how did he make out with a woman while he was on his belly and she
was on her tiptoes?
I did indeed see SAVING SILVERMAN and loved it. The seagull part I did not
go into detail on because I didn't want to demonstrate just how much I know
about Neil, but it was from the soundtrack of a 70s film called JONATHAN
LIVINGSTON SEAGULL. He recorded songs that were played over a seagull
flying for an hour and a half. Awful. Also, this woman was on tiptoes to
reach the stage. Neil had to get on his belly to kiss her, as she was on
the floor and he was elevated.
you should be locked up. you are literally, a raving lunatic.
So it was just some audience member he made out with? Oh, I see, yes it
was. I missed that earlier. WEIRD!
BTW: Kudos on the photos of Neil. I like Will Ferrell's impersonation. As
you know, I respect Neil for helping the Monkees and others, but I must say
that I had know idea that he was the mastermind behind 'red, red,
wine'...the rapping sound scary.
Now why did you have to go and besmirch UB40's good name? Blowing out
their candle does not make yours shine brighter, my friend.
Shalom, my people resent your comments. OMG!? is that a DIME on the
floor???????!!!!
Joe's commercial of the day: So, one bonus about my job is the fact that I
can listen to music (headphones). So, I browse the Net looking for new
music / talk shows...and I must say that Sirius Satellite is cool. The give
you a free 3 day trial...good stuff. 'Sirius Disorder' has a great mix of
music.