Making Relationships Work

Jerry Seinfeld has a memorable bit in which he compares a first date to a job interview. The comparison makes sense. Both are high-pressure situations. In both, you're putting forth an image of yourself that is not necessarily accurate. Both involve worrying about appearance and communication skills. But I don't think he took it far enough. Let's push this simile to its limit, shall we? I will give you a few examples to get started:

If a job interview (date) goes well, you are usually called back for a second. If that goes well, you may find yourself hired (in a long term relationship).

See there, that's easy enough to follow, right? Let's try a more advanced example:

Benefits (sex) are usually offered to employees who stick around for a long enough period of time. Sometimes benefits are offered immediately (sluts), but these arrangements are usually too good to be true (herpes).

You see? Let's try some more, and see if you can make the connections between job and relationship.

Sometimes your friends will recommend a job to you. Think carefully before going on that interview. If the job is so great…wouldn’t your friend want to work it?

The stability of having a steady job is hard to beat. You don't have to go on any more uncomfortable interviews for jobs you're not that interested in anyway, you have something to do every day, and benefits are always readily available should you need them. This is an excellent perk, because if you don't have stable benefits, you wind up having to take care of yourself. A lot.

Your new job is great, but if you don't find ways to keep it interesting, it can become tedious and repetitive. This is one time where discussing new positions with your employer can be beneficial. 

It is perfectly natural to fantasize about being at a more glamorous job while working. It is advisable to keep these daydreams to yourself. If you really wanted to work that incredible job, you probably should have spent more time in college. Or the gym.

As you stay longer at your job, it may start to take time away from the things you love, such as (but not limited to): friends, drinking, sports, television, movies featuring Sylvester Stallone, strip clubs, pornography, and sex with intoxicated bar patrons. Try to find a balance between your work and your hobbies.

When in any job long enough, you may start to casually look around for other employment. Looking around is perfectly acceptable as long as your employer does not find out about it. If your employer does suspect you are considering other options, expect a very tense relationship with him/her. You may even find yourself fired.

It is always smart to line up another job before quitting your current one. Make sure the new employer is definitely going to hire you AND offer you superior benefits before accepting a new job.  Sometimes after starting a new job, you realize your old job wasn’t so bad after all. This new job has even longer hours, worse benefits, and doesn’t take care of its employees. Meanwhile, you may experience some regret and jealousy as you realize your old employer seems to be taking care of all kinds of employees, is offering benefits to everyone with a pair of khakis and cab fare, and has a much nicer ass than you remembered.

Put in enough hours, work hard enough, stay loyal to your employer, and you may find yourself offered a promotion. It is imperative that you make sure this is a job you want to stay with before accepting that promotion. You don’t want to spend your whole life working somewhere you don't want to be.  Should you accept and regret it, you can still quit, even after years. But then you're unemployed and back on the interview scene older and fatter, with a huge flaw on your resume.

They say the average person changes careers seven times before they die. Here’s hoping each of yours is satisfying, offers great benefits, ends amicably, and doesn’t cheat on you with your best friend. Like Stacy did to me. I hate you, Stacy. What was I talking about?

tags: best of the blog  sex  relationships  

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