Kriss Kross'll Make Ya...Vaguely Disappointed

Something I like to do from time to time is check out what the top ten songs were in a given year. It gives me a little taste of what society was like at that time. Usually I wind up thinking, "Wow, society was effing retarded."

Looking at the top singles from fifteen years ago, I came across a song I used to adore -- "Jump" by Kriss Kross. I loved those kids. I remember sneaking into the living room one night to watch them perform on The Arsenio Hall Show. Kriss Kross was the only gangsta rap that spoke to me, a middle class white kid from the mean streets of  Saint Peters, Missouri. I celebrated their entire catalog. And I was not alone in my love. A little research birdie tells me that, at the time, "Jump" was the fastest selling single in fifteen years and it stayed on top of the Billboard Hot 100 chart for eight glorious weeks.

Thinking of "Jump" tonight brought back a rush of memories so vivid that I immediately put on a Tasmanian Devil T-shirt, side-spiked my hair, turned my jeans backward and developed a horrible case of acne. I started humming the melody here at my desk, and I began to sing. "A mac dad'll make ya...jump jump. A daddy mac'll make ya...jump jump." And then...nothing came. I realized that I had no idea what the rest of the lyrics were.

And not to brag, but I'm a song lyric master. I pride myself on my knowledge of all things trivial -- I can't tell you how many texts I've gotten in the past few weeks asking me why I'm not participating in VH1's World Series of Pop Culture. (I can't watch that show sober, it gets me too upset. I know literally every answer, and I had an opportunity to audition this year but got the dates mixed up. Next year I'm taking home the gold -- mark my words).

So I looked up the lyrics to "Jump." And what I found really disturbed me. Even though we are living through a time when a song containing the line "Whatcha gonna do with all that breast, all that breast inside that shirt?" can become popular, these lyrics stand out as particularly terrible. Let's hop in the DeLorean, shall we?

You should know, you should know that ahhh
Kris Kross is not having anything today

Nothing? How about a side salad?

As we stand there totally krossed out

Totally krossed out? Come on fellas. Let's not brag.

We commence to make you

Jump Jump
The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump
The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump
Kriss Kross will make you Jump Jump

Is one of these guys named Mac Dad, the other one named Daddy Mac, and together they are called Kriss Kross? I'd seriously like a ruling on this if anyone knows.

Don't try to compare us to another bad little fad

Yeah, why would we compare you guys to a fad? Webster's defines a fad as "an interest followed with an exaggerated zeal for a short time." That doesn't sound like Kriss Kross at all! You can't go anywhere these days without seeing billboards for the new Kriss Kross album. Their impact on pop music can't be overstated. And who's had more career longevity than these kids? OK, maybe Jaleel White.

I'm the Mac and I'm bad, giving you something that you never had
I'll make ya bump bump wiggle and shake your rump

I'll bump bump. I'll consider shaking my rump. But you're not getting me to wiggle, no matter how funky the flava.

Cause I'll be kicking the flavor that makes you wanna Jump
How high? Real high
Cause I'm just so fly
A young lovable, huggable type of guy

Huggable? You can't say huggable in a rap song! Question -- if Kriss Kross had started beef with 2Pac at the Source Awards, who do you think would have backed down first?

And everything is to the back with a little slack
Cuz inside-out is wiggida wiggida wiggida wack

Using context clues, I've discovered that the term "wack" in this song clearly means "awesome," because we all know Kriss Kross endorse the inside-out, backward clothing lifestyle. At what point in our nation's linguistic history did "Wack" start meaning "Lame?" "Wack" is an insult nowadays, correct? Like, if I were to go up to The Game and say "Hey, your last joint was wack!" wouldn't he shoot me in the face?

I come stompin' with somethin' pumpin' to keep you jumpin'
R&B rap and bullcrap is what I'm dumpin'

Finally there's some truth to these boasts.

Another something about Kris Kross -- we all that
So when they ask "Do they rock?" say "believe that!"

I was asked this question once actually, summer of '92, and their advice came in handy. This guy, in typical "they" fashion, stopped me on the street and he says to me, he says "Hey, you heard of this Kriss Kross?" "Sure have," I replied with a touch of sass, tenderly fingering my snap bracelet. "Can I ask you something?" he said. "Please," I replied. "This Kriss Kross...do they rock?" Recalling these lyrical instructions, I knew just how to respond. I jumped to my feet, flipped up the hood on my BUM Equipment sweatshirt and yelled "Believe that!" We high-fived and he shuffled off. I never saw him again, but not a day goes by that I don't think of him and his question.

Jump Jump
The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump
The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump
Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump
uh huh uh huh
Jump Jump
The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump
The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump
Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump

I let myself knockin' knockin'
I love it when a girl is play jockin' jockin'

OK, now I'm lost.

The D-A-double D-Y-M-A-C

I just spent ten minutes Googling D-Y-M-A-C, trying to figure out what it was an acronym for. The best I could come up with was "Do You Make A Casserole?" Then I realized they were spelling out D-A-D-D-Y-M-A-C-K. That realization excited me. That excitement sickened me.

Ya you know me
I got you jumpin' an' pumpin' an' movin' all around, G
In the mix I make ya take a step back
They try to step to the Mac then they got jacked
To the back you'll be sportin' the gear that's coincidental

The gear that's coincidental? Was there just a thesaurus on the studio floor, open to a random page? So let me get this straight, they're wearing clothes that "happen or exist at the same time?" "Hey bro, nice threads! They are soooo coincidental!"

And like you know it so don't be claiming that it's mental
Two lil' kids with a flow you ain't ever heard
And none faking, you can understand every word

Is there anything lamer than a rapper who boasts about his ability to enunciate properly?

As you listen to my cool school melody

Actually yes, the phrase "cool school melody" is lamer. One minute he's jocking bitches, the next he's talking up his "cool school melody." These boys are bangers in the bedroom, angels in the classroom! They bring teacher an apple, then double team her in the showers!

The Daddy makes you J-U-M-P
Jump Jump
The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump
The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump
Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump
uh huh uh huh
Jump Jump
The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump
The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump
Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump

Now, the formalities of this and that

The formalities of this and that? WTF? Who proofread this thing?

Is that Kris Kross ain't comin' off wack

Wait, so I was wrong. "Wack" is bad here. So earlier they were saying inside-out clothes are bad? So backwards = the coolest, and inside out = wiggida wiggida wack? I thought they were all about wearing clothes in innovative ways! You know, coincidental ways! I've been living a lie.

And for all y'all suckers that don't know -- Check it out! 

Some of them try to rhyme but they can't rhyme like this 
Some of them try to rhyme but they can't rhyme like this 
Some of them try to rhyme but they can't rhyme like this 
Some of them try to rhyme but they can't  

Wait wait wait. You're going to brag about your rhyming skillz? Really? You just rhymed the word "this" with the word "this" three times in a row! Maybe this verse isn't the best time to call atttention to your allegedly unattainable level of rhyming greatness! The chorus of the song rhymes "jump" with "jump." We're not exactly talking about Shakespearean wordplay here. 

Cause I'm the miggida miggida miggida Mac Daddy
Miggida miggida miggida Mac
Cause I'm the miggida miggida miggida Mac Daddy
Miggida, miggida miggida mac

I stand corrected. We are talking about Shakespearean wordplay here. Touche, boys. Touche.

I make you wanna
Jump Jump
The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump
The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump
Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump
uh huh uh huh (repeat 3 more times)
Believe dat

I never thought I'd say this, but I just am not willing to "believe dat" anymore. Much like the day I woke up and realized what an enormous pussy Winnie the Pooh is, another piece of my childhood is dead. Sometimes it's best not to look back. Let the past be the past. These lyrics make Hilary Duff look like Bob Dylan circa 1966. Believe dat.

tags: kriss kross  jump  music  lyrics  

links: digg this    del.icio.us    technorati    reddit