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Gym Dandy!
So I went ahead and got a gym membership. I've been going for two months now, five days a week, and I'll admit I'm starting to see some positive results. I can now do 50 pushups at a clip without weeping. I don't have to sit down and rest after bringing my cell phone to my ear. I don't sweat while flossing anymore. I am getting in shape, lowering my stress levels, and feeling better about myself. But I do have some questions and concerns about my “fitness experience.”
I'll admit I don't know much about how to work out properly, so I looked into physical training. Can I ask you something I felt awkward asking there? Do you get to have sex with these people? Because that is the only thing that could possibly justify the price. And even that depends on the quality of the aforementioned sex. When I signed up, I was given a coupon for 100 dollars off on physical training. Excuse me? 100 dollars OFF? By my estimation, that should bring the price to about negative 90 dollars. Don't I already give you 70 bucks a month to sit in a pool of someone else’s sweat while pushing heavy things over my head? Just tell me what to do!
The worst part about the gym is the clothes. Going to the gym five times a week literally doubles my laundry. I mean, I can get away with wearing jeans six weeks in a row but once is enough for the mélange of ass sweat and ball funk that I call my gym shorts. Not to mention the otherworldly stench coming out of the closet that houses my hamper. Now when I go in there to get a book, it’s like a stinky punch in the face. Thank God I don’t read, so this hasn’t really been an issue.
Do girls know how good they look at the gym? Sports bras this way, wet t-shirts that way. Half of my workout time is consumed with trying to figure out how to successfully masturbate while running on a treadmill.
I do have one complaint that might just pertain to my gym, and I make it while being completely supportive of the gay and lesbian community: My gym plays the gayest music in the world. Elton John came to my gym last week and deemed the music selections “a little swishy.” Two men making out while wearing rainbow suspenders and ball gags were overhead calling it “over the top.”
Going to the gym is already a cornucopia of awkward moments, feelings of inadequacy, and flashbacks to repressed torment at the hands of 9th grade skinheads and lecherous gym teachers. I don't need to be constantly questioning my sexuality due to the choices of tunes.
Have you ever tried running on a treadmill to "Believe" by Cher? I feel like I might as well put some legwarmers on and cruise the sauna for beef. Kylie Minogue, Britney, Justin, Depeche Mode...am I trying to get in shape or am I snorting coke at some modern day Studio 54? I don’t need Metallica piped in 24/7, but throw me a bone here. I will allow you to supply your own joke on that one.
At what age do men lose their shame? Why is it every drooping, sagging old man feels he has to amble around the locker room completely naked? Hey Elmer, maybe the wife still gets a tingle from the loose skin festival between your legs, but I don’t. Roll your genitals up and put them away.
Even with all these complaints, the workout regimen will continue unabated. Homely girls of the world, you’ve only got a few more weeks to make a successful pass at me. Once these abs and arms get rocking like I know they will, I’m moving all the girls in my “would make out with” file to “would only make out with if drunk” status. You’ve been notified.
True story: My friend worked at a gym and caught and had to break up an
orgy in the men's locker room after hours. Now, wouldn't you want that job?
Pat. Don't get a personal trainer, half of them just want to suck your dick
anyways. Just go online and find some workout regimines that are good for
you. By the way you dont have to pay 70 a month to do pushups, you can do
those at home for free, although you dont get to see all the hot tail.
Hey Pat,
Thanks a lot. Now my girlfriend wants me to go to the gym. Thanks Pat. Thanks.
Be honest, did she say something like "Jesus, if PAT can get his lazy ass
to the gym, YOU should be able to!"
And Jill, was this orgy dude on dude or chicks and dudes? And how many of
each? Is it weird that I'm turned on either way? Sauna, shower, or right
out in the open? Give me details, and give them to me slowly, preferably
over the phone in a breathy voice.
Pat, i'll call you later. But so everyone else can enjoy the story, it was
a dude who had to break up an all dude orgy on the benches of the Boston
Sports Club. He had to find his way through the smoldering sweat fog and
physically separate their thrusting pelvises. Is that detailed enough?
NYSC is cool. If there is a point in your life that you decide to be lazy
or if money is tight, they allow you to 'freeze' your acct. and only charge
a $15 maintenance fee.
$70 a month! What a deal! Where can I get that price in NYC?