Fall Movie Review Roundup: Southland Tales, Across the Universe

Today, two huge movies with huge casts and huge aspirations. Can too much ambition ever be a bad thing? 

Oh my Lord, yes. 

SOUTHLAND TALES (D+)

As Southland Tales began, there were 25 people in my theater. When it ended, there were six, and at least two of them (the two in my row) were sound asleep. I could almost end the review right there, no?

Southland Tales is an absolute disfuckstermess, easily among the worst movies of the year. What makes its suckitude so difficult to swallow is that its writer/director, Richard Kelly, made Donnie Darko, one of the more exciting debut films in recent memory. 

Darko is one of my favorites, a mind-bending blend of David Lynch, Robert Zemeckis, John Hughes, and Steven Spielberg. It's everything great about 1980s movies, updated and wrapped in a surprisingly deep package. Darko's mystery and occasional incoherence was a big part of its charm, but Southland is all incoherence, all the time. All that was special about Darko is stretched and poked and vomited up again times a thousand here, and it's a mighty sad affair. Kelly is tackling political issues he doesn't seem to understand, and his "satirical" sequences feel empty and stupid. It's a classic case of everyone telling a guy how great he is, to the point where he believes he can do whatever the hell he wants. Southland is a film Kelly was simply not ready to make.

Here's a small sampling of the cast: The Rock, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Mandy Moore, Jon Lovitz, Nora Dunn, Cheri Oteri, John Larroquette, a never-more-irritating Amy Poehler, Seann William Scott (in a dual role!), Curtis Armstrong (Booger!), Christopher Lambert (Christopher Lambert!), Bai Ling, Wallace Shawn (over-acting, by Wallace Shawn standards!), and -- sigh -- Justin Timberlake (who must be stopped, now). Many more make appearances, but doesn't that give you an idea of what you're in for here? It's as though everyone in the film was Kelly's nineteenth choice. It's as if Kelly's direction consisted of yelling the words "Be more grating!" over and over.

Everyone in the cast gives a terrible performance, and for this many performers to be this bad, the fault lies with the director. How are they supposed to act? This script must have read like stereo instructions. If Kelly can't decide on a tone, how can the actors? They can't, and they don't. They all perform as if they're in their own movie, and I'll bet if we were allowed to see the 10 seconds of film after "Cut!" was yelled, each actor would turn to the camera and say, "Is that what you wanted?"

I thought about summarizing the plot, but I gave up. I can tell you it may be set in the near future. There might be time travel. The government is perhaps involved. A group is likely trying to harness the power of the Earth's oceans. And I can nearly confirm that Justin Timberlake lip-synchs to The Killers. I don't know if any of that actually happened or not, not sure if Kelly does or not, very sure I don't care.

There are people who will claim at year's end that this is some sort of lost masterpiece and that they "get it" and no one else does. These people will always be around. I went to film school with them, and they are idiots. I would love to lock these guys in a room with Southland Tales on repeat and see how long they last. 

ACROSS THE UNIVERSE (C)

Across the Universe has many of the same problems as Southland, although it's a much more watchable film. It's a pretty simple love story, blown up to needlessly epic proportions and communicated through Beatles songs. It isn't as headachey and exhausting as Moulin Rouge (what is?), although that film was clearly an influence, particularly on the male lead Jim Sturgess -- who appears to be mimicking Ewan McGregor's singing voice. (Because really, who better to model your voice after than a master vocalist like...Ewan McGregor?)

Broadway shows have taken a depressing turn lately -- the big trend is "jukebox musicals." These are shows that construct a barely-there story around a popular artists' hits, as opposed to having someone write original songs. The thinking is that "those stupid tourists" will only listen to songs they already know, which is ludicrous, and a lot of the "jukebox musicals" are critical and commercial flops. In less than a year, I saw shows based around The Four Seasons (Jersey Boys, the best of the bunch), ABBA (Mamma Mia, obviously awesome) Billy Joel (Movin' Out, fairly ridiculous) John Lennon (Lennon, eh), Elvis Presley (All Shook Up, weak), and Johnny Cash (Ring of Fire, an abortion). Beach Boys and Bob Dylan musicals have also come and gone.

Across the Universe is no more groundbreaking than any of those shows, though the filmmakers certainly seem to think they're making something of great importance. The director, Julie Taymor, comes from Broadway, and she's got some sweet visuals, but the story is pitiful and the way she takes you into the songs couldn't be more thuddingly obvious.

Scene after scene goes about like this: 

GUY: Hey, this reminds me of that time we hung out with Lucy!

GIRL: Lucy? You don't mean Lucy in the Sky?

GUY: With Diamonds! Yeah, that's the one!

GIRL: 2-3-4!

It gets real old, real fast.

GUY: What's that you say?

GIRL: I say I want a revolution!

GUY: You say you want a revolution?

GIRL: 2-3-4!

I think you get the idea, but just incase...

GUY: These strawberries are delicious!

GIRL: I know! I could hang out in Strawberry Fields...

GUY: Forever!

GIRL: 2-3-4!

That's basically the movie. There are moments that are about perfect -- the high school cheerleader singing "I Want to Hold Your Hand" is a highlight of Universe and of 2007 film in general. But too many sequences are either dull and uninspired or, in the case of Bono's "I Am the Walrus" and Eddie Izzard's "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite," painful and cringe-inducing.

"Love Me Do?" More like "Love Me Don't!"

Thank you. 

tags: across the universe  bono  southland tales  the rock  sarah michelle gellar  richard kelly  donnie darko  movies  movie reviews  

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