Adventures In Baby Batter

Let me start by addressing your questions. I appreciate everyone's concern, but I really do feel like I'm making a fine decision here. The free time I have has to go to writing, so if I were to take on a part-time job at say, Starbucks, I would be working 80 additional hours a month and making maybe an extra $800.

Sperm donation takes very little time, I'd be jerking it anyway, and if I throw down three times a week, it pays $900 a month. That's rent, people. As for the confidenitality, they go to great pains to insure anonymity. I'm not donating at Jimmy Slipup's Spooge Emporium or something. Very few donations result in actual pregnancy, and I'm totally okay with it morally. After all, I'm helping people, you know? Of course that's not my reason for doing it, but it is true. 

Oh, and as for why you can't have ejaculated for 48 to 72 hours, I think if you go past 72, there's too much seminal fluid and the actual sperm becomes diluted. Hey, you asked. 

On to the story...

I woke up yesterday, with a heavy heart and a heavy scrotum. "Abstaining" for three days was a lot more difficult than I expected, even with a houseguest. I got dressed, a little nicer than normal, just to show them what an attractive child I might produce. 

As a sign that this venture was indeed necessary, my car's battery has now started dying at every stoplight. I sputtered into the parking lot, and using a stolen Gift Card, purchased a Caramel Apple Cider from Starbucks (seeing the 17 year-old girl in the apron and hearing the Gloria Estefan Christmas Mix was yet another confirmation that this is not the career path for me). Then I headed over to the clinic.

They make you enter from behind the building, in what was essentially an alley. The e-mail confirmation I received informed me four separate times not to enter through the front, because that is where the sperm receivers enter. I'm sure they don't want some soon-to-be-mom to see some unshaven college student in a baseball cap and flip-flops come in and yell "Where I gotta bust this nut?!"

I was buzzed in. I had the first appointment of the day, so the only people there were me and an attractive Asian nurse. At this point, I wondered if what I had seen in the movies was true, that she would guide me to the back, slap on a rubber glove and milk me til' my eyes bulged out of my head. It was not to be.

I filled out a variety of forms detailing my medical history (clean as a whistle), my family's medical history (again, pretty much spotless), and my sexual history ("Have you ever had sex with an African male in a vat of used syringes?" That sort of thing). I turned in the forms, and the nurse asked me when the last time I ejaculated was.

"Friday night," I replied.

She asked me to select and unwrap a specimen cup. I did. She told me there were four rooms, two in the front, and two in the back, and that I should select one. Obviously, I chose the back. Then came a remarkably awkward lecture that this poor woman must have to deliver twenty times a day. What follows is that lecture, almost verbatim.

When you enter the room, you may leave the light on or off, whichever you are comfortable with. Wash your hands and the head of your penis thoroughly, making sure to remove all traces of soap from both. You are not permitted to use any sort of soap, lubricant, or saliva to aid in ejaculation, as it may damage the cells. There is a selection of magazines available for you inside the room, and also please take this DVD.

At this point, she removed one of those CD/DVD cases with about 10 porno DVDs in it. I would have appreciated being given my choice, but she simply removed the first one and laid it face down on the desk. 

It is important that you direct every bit of your sample into the cup. Do not throw any of it away, as we need it all to test you. When you are through, tightly seal the lid, eject the DVD, and bring both back to me after washing your hands. Any questions?

I answered with one of my loudest voice cracks since puberty: "Nope!"

I picked up the DVD with one hand, the apple cider and the specimen cup in the other. Trying to lighten the mood, I attempted a joke.

ME: (gesturing to the cider cup and the specimen cup) Better not get these mixed up, huh?

NURSE: (NOT finding this funny) Why don't you just leave the coffee out here?

Redfaced, I walked to the back room and shut the door. I washed my hands and dong. I looked at the porno mags, which were on a little shelf, and which ran the filth gamut from such tame fare as Maxim, on up to your Penthouse and Hustler. I don't generally use magazines as fodder, so I was thrilled to have the DVD. I flipped the disc over, expecting some lame soft-core thing, girls playing volleyball on a beach or something. Much to my surprise, the disc was called, and I swear to God here: Jam It All The Way Up My Ass.

Funniest part of that title? The words "All The Way."

***Hilariously, when I got home, I searched the title on IMDB.com. It's in there!  

***Also, who purchases these DVDs? Do they send a nurse out? And how do they decide which ones to buy? 

I'm not generally a fan of the anal porn, but this was certainly better than turning the sticky pages of a Maxim over a sink. I sat in the chair provided, and looked around the tiny room, or "masturbatorium." I wondered just how nauseating a Room Raiders-style black light search of this room would be. At least it didn't smell like a porn shop. On the wall was a "classy" framed poster of a naked woman on a beach.

I selected an MMF scene from the porno DVD, took "it" out, and commenced jerking. At this point, I began to wonder just how long I should take. I didn't want to be in there so long that I got the dreaded knock on the door. The last thing I needed was some nurse yelling "Everything OK in there?" because nothing kills an erection faster than pressure. Except maybe Kathy Griffin.

On the other hand (thank you), I didn't want to come out TOO fast. If there's one time you don't want to hear "Boy, that was quick!" it's concerning ejaculation.

I decided to aim for just long enough to not make the nurses laugh about me later and just quick enough to avoid the knock. I figured 7  to 10 minutes should be about right.

As I entered that precarious middle stage between "Just Jackin" and "Climaxin'," I started worrying about how I was going to handle the whole penis-to-cup transmission. Would I place my penis in the cup? Just hold it above the rim? Should I bend it? Luckily, I've never been one of those "paint the walls" kind of guys, but with the 3-day backup I was worried about putting on a real fireworks show. I opted for a simple "Mushroom in the Cup" stance. I stood up, and let loose.

When you see your semen in the bottom of a cup, it's a little daunting. It doesn't look like much, sort of like a really big loogie. I also realized I had hit the inside wall of the cup on the dismount, and was grossed out by the thought of this woman holding a cup with semen sliding down the inside, as opposed to all of it being neatly collected on the bottom. Should I clean it out? No, she told me not to. I gave the cup a shake, things settled a bit, but not much. Oh well, I figured this is the career this woman has chosen, and I'm sure she's seen weirder things than a dab on the side. I washed my hands, ejected the DVD, and walked out, trying to look as normal as possible.

The woman smiled at me, looked approvingly at the sample, and asked again when the last time I ejaculated was. I answered, she smiled again, and told me they'd be in touch within the week. Then she told me to grab a snack and a juice (as though I'd be weary from this activity I generally do twice a day). I selected a trail mix and OJ. Then I smiled politely, thanked her, and headed for the door.

NURSE: Oh Mr. Walsh?! Your coffee!

ME: Thank you!

I walked back, picked up my cider and started to leave again.

NURSE: Mr. Walsh?!

ME: Yes?

NURSE: The DVD?

Much to my horror, I realized I was still clenching Jam It All The Way Up My Ass. Trying to explain that I hadn't intended to steal it would have been too humiliating, so, head hung in shame, I walked over to her desk and she took it from my hand.

A hand we both knew had just been all over my weiner.

tags: porn  masturbation  humor  sperm donation  donor  clinic  semen  awkward  jerking off  greatest hits  

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